How to Be a Good Immigrant
The Good Migrant, part 2
Introduction
If you are considering moving to another country—permanently or even potentially permanently—then I would like to offer you ten guidelines for integrating successfully into your new home society. In “Are You One of the Few Americans Who Really Could Move to Europe?”, where I proposed ten questions to ask yourself before deciding to make such a move, I included the caveat that I was focusing specifically on Americans moving to Europe. That is not needed here. I believe that no matter what society you are leaving and no matter what society you are entering, these best practices will help you to integrate, and thus to be a “good immigrant”. I have asked other fellow immigrants for their views, and their input is reflected here—but this is ultimately my own view on immigration.1
This essay is the second part of the series The Good Migrant. In part 1, “Thirteen Ways of Looking at a Foreigner”, I wrote about the different ways in which migration happens, and about why the language we use to talk about it matters; for example, I explained why the term “expat” can be problematic.2 In that essay, I also made the point that immigrants are frequently seen as unwelcome by many in the host country, and tried to illustrate the negative impact that wealthy immigrants in particular can have on an economy. Americans, unfortunately, can probably expect to be welcomed with less and less enthusiasm as the surge of people fleeing the United States increases.
This essay attempts to address this problem, by offering some best practices to follow when you immigrate to a new country. As always, I won’t go into the nitty-gritty of migration but will focus more on philosophy and the perspectives that can pave the way to a more successful and harmonious life.
Sound good? Then let’s get started. Here are ten guidelines for anyone wishing to be a “good immigrant”.
1. Accept your lack of control
The world is a complex place governed by forces over which individuals have very little control. Part of the secret to staying sane during any period of upheaval—and an international move is certainly such a period—is to make peace with the idea that even when we do our best, we do not have full control over outcomes. We are all at the mercy of world events, weather patterns, shortages of goods, changes in regulations, mercurial bureaucrats, and a host of other factors than can force our plans to change. My belief is that if we “release all expectation”, as
nicely summed up our discussion in a recent interview on A Foreign Perspective, we can preserve our sanity and be better prepared to surf the waves of random chance that edge the sea of life.To be less poetic and more concrete, I know several people in European countries who have applied for residency, renewal of residency, or citizenship, and have had to wait incredibly variable (and sometimes very long) times for their applications to be processed. When I applied for citizenship in Sweden, it went through in five weeks, but I knew another American who applied in a different month and who waited for a year. These procedures are mysterious and uncontrollable, and there is not usually an option to expedite the process by paying more money, as some Americans may expect.
Knowing that we do not have full control is the first step toward a true acceptance that our life will probably not end up looking the way we have envisioned it. (John Cleese tells the joke, “Want to make God laugh? Tell him your plans.”) The second step is to accept how much we cannot know…
2. Make peace with uncertainty and chaos
Not only do we have little control, sometimes we have little knowledge—especially of the future. Life in general is full of uncertainty, but the life of an immigrant is doubly or triply so. This is because so much of what we have learned up to the point at which we change countries just turns out to be irrelevant and must be replaced with new information. It is like being a child again.
There are two problems that emerge when we do not know things: our ego is threatened, and we are likely to feel anxiety. As
says, “Get over the fear of looking stupid.” Once you land in a new country, you will effectively be stupid, and you should embrace this fact gracefully.While it is true that uncertainty generally leads to anxiety, it need not always do so. As an immigrant, you have an excellent opportunity to be mindful and work intentionally on your reactions to events. Accepting that there is much you don’t know is as important as accepting that there is much you can’t control.
3. Embrace that which is different
Faced with the bewildering newness of everything which characterizes the life of an immigrant, it can be tempting to withdraw into a bubble of the familiar—especially if you tend to be a Security person rather than a Discovery person. But doing so may drastically hamper your integration into your new host society. We can’t move to a new culture and expect everything to be the same, so we need to try to remain open to the myriad new ways of doing things that will make up our new culture, our new routine, and our new life.
For example, when moving to a country like Portugal, which has an ever-increasing “expat community”, it is tempting to socialize exclusively with other people from the same background as you. This sort of “ghettoization” has happened around the world for centuries, from the Jewish communities of the diaspora, to the Black communities in North American cities, to the Northern European communities in southern Spain (I hear that there are actually restaurants there that serve Swedish food, because that’s what the Swedish retirees want). But do you really want to live in a ghetto? Or do you want to embrace things that are new and things that are different, and try to integrate into the society at large?
Note that there is a difference between what is new and what is different. If you move to France and discover galettes (a type of buckwheat crêpe), you may well fall in love with them—but you probably won’t feel a need to renounce pancakes. This is accepting something new. By contrast, if you move to Amsterdam and find that many people there do not use, or even own, a car, you will have to make a choice. Here things are different, and you stand at a fork in the (metaphorical) road.
It is very tempting (and tourists frequently yield to the temptation) to complain that “things are different here from back home”, which usually implies that things are better back home. But try to be open to the very real possibility that things here are actually better—or at least not worse. I have written more about this in “Living Abroad Changed Me as a Person”. It is especially important not to complain to the locals in your new community, which leads us to a very important point...
4. Cultivate an attitude of humility, respect, and gratitude
The most obvious way to smooth the way for acceptance in your new home is to avoid conforming to the “Ugly American” stereotype (or the equivalent for Brits, Germans, etc.).3 The way to achieve this is to cultivate an attitude of humility, respect, and gratitude. Let’s think about these three traits.
Especially when moving from a richer country to a poorer country (and I mean this in a purely economic, not cultural, sense), it is easy to arrive with a sense of superiority and look down on the locals for being so “backward”, meaning anchored in tradition. However, such an attitude will not only win you no friends but will probably also make you miserable. To disparage the people among whom you live is to cultivate a bitter life. Instead, I think it is beneficial to remember that (a) just because certain things are familiar to you does not mean that they are necessarily good, and (b) everyone you will ever meet knows and understands things you do not know or understand. Therefore, the best course is to adopt an attitude of humility that says, in essence, “I can be wrong”.
An attitude of humility goes hand-in-hand with a sense of respect for those around you. No matter how much money you have accumulated, no matter how many advanced degrees you have, no matter how many businesses you have started, you are no better than the other people sitting on the bus with you. (And if you refuse to take a bus, then you have even more work to do.) Your needs are not more urgent than others’, just because you are used to having them dealt with promptly. There is no excuse for us to be impolite to those we deal with, including bureaucrats, businesspeople, healthcare workers, waiters, shopkeepers, taxi drivers, or anyone else we encounter. They will only respect us if we first show them respect.
Perhaps the most important practice of all is cultivating gratitude. All of the literature from Positive Psychology and elsewhere is unanimous about this point: Making ourselves aware of all of the things we have to be grateful for has an enormous impact on our own level of happiness. Alongside meditation, practices like keeping a gratitude journal are among the most frequently recommended for those wishing to change their state of mind for the better.
But here I want to focus not on the internal benefits of gratitude, but on the external ones. Being allowed to move to a new country is something that should never be taken for granted—it is something for which I am very grateful, just as my ancestors were grateful to be admitted to the United States. I am grateful to everyone who has welcomed me to my various new home countries over the years, and to those who have helped me to get settled in my new life, ranging from greengrocers to repairmen to helpful police officers to restauranteurs to friends. When there is a financial transaction involved, this does not negate the human element, the fact that people are helping me to live my life. And if I feel gratitude for this, I will hopefully show it in my dealings with these people. This, in turn, will help them to see in me a well-meaning individual and not an Ugly American.
5. Adopt a permanence mindset
You may not be certain that the move you are making is a permanent one, but I urge you to treat it that way. There are several advantages to adopting what I call a permanence mindset rather than a temporary mindset, meaning that you commit more fully to your new life from the get-go.
When you adopt a permanence mindset, you decide to start doing the hard things that are required to integrate fully into your new home. The next several guidelines spell these out, but they all involve (a) commitment and (b) effort, which of course also translates into an expenditure of time. Look at it this way: You are building the foundation of the house of your future life. This isn’t easy, but it can be enjoyable, and it is always interesting—and it will pay off in the long run.
I have talked to many foreigners in various countries who said, “If I had known I was going to be here this long, I would have...” And then comes any one of a number of things: learned the language, met more people, bought a house, enrolled the children in local schools, gotten a local driver’s license, and so on. Take it from me: It is definitely more fun and more motivating to start learning about a new country (and especially its language) when you are newly arrived, rather than when you are a shame-filled long-term resident.
6. Learn the language
While this guideline is listed sixth, it is actually the one that was mentioned most often by the successful immigrants I have spoken with. I understand that many people—mostly Americans—are horrified by the thought of learning a language, but it is actually something that people do all the time, and it always works, at least up to a point.
I want to say something about why learning the local language is so important, and then something about why I believe you can do it.
If I asked you whether it is necessary to learn to speak English when moving to the United States, I imagine that you would say “yes”. Certainly anyone who doesn’t learn English will be severely restricted in their practical and social activities. The same goes for the national language of pretty much any other country, with one caveat: There are many people in the world who speak English, because it is the language of international business and tourism. But please do not make the mistake of thinking that this puts English on an equal status with the local language. Let’s take the European Union as an example: How many countries do you think have English as an official language? Just two: Ireland and Malta. (And these have other official languages, too.) Sure, lots of people speak English, but their fluency is usually limited, and so they do not necessarily want to speak it more than they have to.
To make the point bluntly, if English is the language of tourism, and you move to a country and speak to people only in English, you will forever be a tourist. Is that really what you want? I hope not. Do people like tourists? No, they don’t; they use tourists, because they are a source of income. Few people that I have talked to have ever said that they actually like tourists. So if you wish to be liked (meaning accepted, integrated) in your new homeland, you will have to be more than just a tourist.
But here’s the good news: You can learn to speak Spanish/ French/ Portuguese/ Italian/ Croatian/ Greek/ Swahili/ Korean/ Thai/ whatever. You can do it. I find that individuals believe that they will fail to learn a language either because “it’s too hard” or because “I’m not talented enough”. This, in my experience as a language teacher of twenty-five years, is, to use a technical term, bullshit. If you fail to learn a language, it will almost always be due to one of two factors: putting in too little effort, or poor language instruction.
I have already argued in the essays “Are You One of the Few Americans Who Really Could Move to Europe?” and “Loving Learning Languages” that learning a language takes a lot of time but is possible, if you commit the amount of effort necessary and use the right methods.
In my experience, the two big obstacles to overcome when you arrive in a new country and start learning a new language are (a) finding the right teacher or method, and (b) finding opportunities to practice. However, these obstacles can be overcome, if you adopt a permanence mindset and commit to spending both time and energy on learning the language. There are more resources being created every day that can help you figure this out.
One piece of advice that I will give here—and this goes hand-in-hand with a permanence mindset—is to set small goals that you can meet as you gradually learn to use your new language. Becoming fully fluent takes years, so don’t set that as your first goal. Here are some examples of progressively more challenging goals you could set for yourself:
be able to say hello, goodbye, please and thank you
make purchases in different kinds of shops
make small talk with the neighbors
deal with people doing work on the house
have a simple conversation over lunch
take lessons in cooking, dance, pottery, painting, or some other craft
be able to read the newspaper and understand more or less what it says
join an organization to pursue a mutual interest and learn to participate
meet someone and ask them over to dinner
etc.
A point made by
is that you shouldn’t stop mastering a language until you can argue with people and stand up for yourself in adverse situations (“learn to fight in French”). I think this makes good sense. Another advanced goal is to learn to be funny in your new language.As a final note, in my 30-plus years as a linguist and language educator, I have never heard anyone say, “I wish I hadn’t studied that language”. The worst thing I have heard is, “my teacher was terrible”. But there are usually other teachers out there, so that’s not an insoluble problem. The benefits of learning a language clearly outweigh the costs.
7. Adapt to the local way of life
Learning the local language is excellent preparation for integrating into a new culture. But in a sense, it’s just the bottom of the iceberg. That is, as you learn the language, you need to also learn all of the things you can use the language to do—the visible activities that it enables.
Change is hard. Adapting to a new lifestyle can be intimidating. But if you have decided to be an immigrant in a new country, it is natural that the way you live your life will have to change. Once you have learned that you aren’t in total control, accepted that sometimes you will look stupid, and decided to embrace things that are new and different, the way is clear for you to adopt a new lifestyle.
Another tip from
is to stop expecting others to adjust to you, but rather to learn to adjust to their ways. Even if the local customs seem strange or different, they are the norm here. You know what they say: “When in Rome, drive like a maniac.” (Just kidding! Don’t do that.)
A good way to frustrate yourself and everyone around you is to demand that things be just like they were “back home”. Let’s take the example of modern conveniences. There are many people here in Europe who do not have a dishwasher, and even more who do not have a clothes dryer—they do their dishes by hand and hang their laundry up to dry. Why do they do this? There are actually good reasons, having to do with economy, not ruining things, and making good use of natural resources, such as sunshine. Let’s consider two alternative scenarios.
The first scenario is that you move to, oh let’s say Portugal, and demand to have a dishwasher, a microwave oven, and a tumble dryer. This will naturally lead you straight into the jaws of greedy developers who have bought up old properties, ripped them apart, and installed (potentially at a very low level of quality, as this is all about profit, after all) all of the things that Americans insist on, often at the expense of storage space or even one of the rooms in the apartment. The result is a clunky, soulless, and generic apartment that “meets the criteria” but is sadly lacking from an aesthetic perspective. And it’s insanely expensive.
The second scenario is that you move to Portugal and realize that it could be OK to wash dishes by hand and hang the laundry on the clothesline, just like everyone else in the neighborhood does. So you move into an older apartment with lots of charming period details, together with traditional issues like poor insulation. You learn that washing dishes as a family can actually be an enjoyable time filled with music and conversation, and you take a greater interest in the climate and the weather as a result of thinking about when to put the clothes out. This also gives you something more to talk to the neighbors about. And you pay a rent that is much more in line with what other residents pay.
8. Take an interest in local culture, history, and issues
If day-to-day activities are the bread and butter of the life of an immigrant, then learning about history and culture are the tiramisú and port wine of the immigrant’s life. To really inhabit a country means to understand (a) the history of the country, (b) the culture that anchors the society, and (c) the issues that are of importance to the citizens. Not to understand these things is to be a tourist.
The more you learn about your new homeland, its history, and its artistic culture, the deeper your appreciation for it will become, and the more nuanced your understanding of its glorious triumphs and shameful failures. No country is simply “a nice place”.
If you want to integrate into the local society, it makes sense to learn about the concerns of the people who make up that society. An obvious way to do this is to read the local news—and once again, this is one of the benefits of learning the language. This will not only give you things to talk about with locals, it will create a sense of shared identity, of solidarity, with them.
And if you find that some of the issues speak to you personally, then you can get involved: attend public lectures and meetings, join organizations, volunteer your time, etc. This is one of the very best ways of meeting people with whom you can connect, and a route toward the integration that is the ultimate goal of the good immigrant.
9. Integrate gradually
In the same way that learning a language is a long and gradual process, becoming a part of a society is, too. And just as you can set small, increasingly ambitious goals for your language use, you can do the same thing for your connections to the society you are in.
If you see yourself as being immersed in a community, think about all of the points of contact you have with that community. This can start with service encounters—at the grocery store, at the pharmacy, at the bank; even though these have a transactional purpose, they can also serve a social function, as
has written about recently. And don’t forget the linguistic aspect—it is all good language practice!In “Talking to Strangers Can Change Everything”, I argued in favor of having the bravery to talk to strangers—in culturally appropriate ways, of course—because everyone starts out as a stranger, but we never know who they will eventually become in our life. So meet one person at a time, and cherish that relationship, even if it is just the exchanging of pleasantries with a neighbor.
Notice the ways in which community plays out where you live, and try to participate. Here in Portugal, it often happens that those with gardens share produce with each other; this can be as simple as leaving a basket of fruit or a sack of potatoes in the common area of the house. To me, this is a beautiful gesture that reinforces the fact that we are all sharing the same world.
As you become more settled in your new context and become more comfortable with the language, you will be able to set increasingly demanding goals for integrating. Here are some possible examples:
talk to a neighbor
become a regular customer in a café or restaurant
ask someone to have coffee with you
invite someone to go to a concert
take a dance class
join a club or organization with a common interest
host a dinner party
become a volunteer at a local organization
become politically active (if this seems safe to do)
If this list reminds you of the list above of possible language goals, it is for a good reason: This is why we learn languages! The process of integration into a society is a social process that is realized through language. Certainly, you can do many of the things above in a foreign language such as English, but this will seriously restrict your integration into the society as a whole.
The ultimate step in integrating into a society is to become a citizen of the country. So why not adopt a permanence mindset and learn early on what it would take to achieve this life goal? Having citizenship as an objective is a sign of dedication to your new home, and becoming a citizen will allow you to vote on how it is governed. Especially if you are an American thinking of emigrating, quality of governance is likely to be an issue of some importance to you…
10. Be mindful of your impact
The final guideline is one of the most important, and its relevance begins even before you move to your new home country. As I explained in part 1 of this series, an influx of immigrants to a country can have a pernicious effect on the local economy. This can lead to resentment among the population, which can, in turn, feed the rise of right-wing xenophobic parties. This has happened not only in the United States but also in many countries in Europe and other parts of the world. In some contexts, the groups that are resented are low-income workers who are “taking our jobs”, and in other contexts, they are high-income foreigners who are “ruining the economy”. Even if these claims can be exaggerated, they point to real problems that you as a good immigrant will not want to exacerbate.
Here are a few suggestions for how to reduce the negative impact you have on the local economy:
When you buy or rent property, make sure that you are not paying rates that are out of line with the local market; otherwise you are contributing to driving prices up unsustainably. Similarly, don’t import a tipping culture to places where there isn’t one; it puts an unnecessary burden on locals.4
Do business with locals, not with foreigners. For example, here in Lisbon, my landlords are Portuguese, but there are many Chinese companies that buy up property here and rent it to foreigners, which does not help the Portuguese economy much. Similarly, shop in stores that are locally owned, not big foreign chains. If there are reasons for boycotting Amazon in the US, there are even more reasons to do so in another country. The same thing goes for restaurants and cafés; some are owned by locals, and others are not. Some will be owned by foreigners who have a tax exemption.
Try to avoid supporting the creation of parallel economies, as discussed in part 1 of this series. Some people naively believe that the locals love Americans and other foreigners, but in fact, what they love is taking their money. A very small minority of locals (and a certain percentage of foreigners) have decided to create businesses that cater exclusively to tourists and other foreigners. An example here in Lisbon is the tuk-tuks that have infested the city center. I have never seen a Portuguese person in one of these, unless it was the driver. My experience is that the only people who are happy to see increases in tourism are those in the tourist industry and those concerned with the national economy. All others speak of tourism as “ruining” their home. (See: Barcelona)
When you create things in your new homeland, try to create them sustainably. Bear in mind what you are doing not only to the local economy, but to local resources. Clearcutting virgin forest in Mexico to build your dream home is harming the country rather than helping it. Importing materials (or even workers) from other countries is damaging to the local economy. Be mindful of whether you are taking resources away from others, and of whether you are being wasteful; in some countries, for example, there is a real shortage of water. If you hire people to do work, make sure that you are hiring local workers and paying them a decent wage. And ideally, when you eventually sell your property, try to sell it to locals as well.
Conclusion
This is a long text, so I will try not to make it much longer. I hope that these guidelines can be of some value in helping you orient yourself in your new country. There is nothing more exciting than the adventure of starting a new life in a new place, and it pays to approach this adventure in an intentional way, with a positive attitude and an open mind. If you have that, you are already well-equipped for your journey. I wish you much happiness on the road ahead!
For another very helpful take on the same general topic, see “Moving Abroad: How Expats Shape – or Shatter – Local Communities” by
.For another take on this issue, see “Enough with ‘Expats’”.
Great advice, and thanks for linking to my article on Ugly Americans. I'll add a few additional points and one caveat:
Caveat on becoming politically active: closely examine the terms of your visa. Political advocacy may be grounds for deportation if you're only a legal resident (this is the case for temporary residents in Mexico).
Additionally, a few points to add:
*The sociopolitical history and dynamics in another country will be different - try to avoid imposing your native country lens to interactions with locals without having more specific context. For example, whereas you know a certain English word might be offensive in the US, understand that it might not be so - of may be a naive attempt to connect - in another country.
*Use misunderstandings as a way to mutually educate and connect. I often find myself being curious and asking questions about the differences in processes, culture, or even language and talking about them with locals. One example: cement anchors used to secure buouys to the sea floor are referred to here as "muertos" which can translate as "dead people" or "dead weight." Sharing with locals the US meaning of "dead weight" (a person who doesn't do anything to help and makes a job harder by hanging around) is fodder for conversation and a laugh.
*I want to reinforce your point about environmental impact. Virtually all of the cheap, destructive new development I'm seeing in our area of Mexico is marketed to wealthy immigrants or tourists. Start refusing to entertain these places, loudly. If you use social media as a way to find and connect with real estate professionals, state clearly that you want to find a pre existing home and do not want to live someplace that was recently constructed on previously forested land. Tell agents that you want nature around you. Markets respond to consumer demand. If enough people place a premium on old growth trees and a preference for renovated traditional homes over brand new beige boxes with dishwashers, it can shift the market over time.
Thank you for this article!
Great suggestions. I would add a corollary that's part of what you've said, which is "Let go of what you miss." There have definitely been things I enjoyed in the US -- peanut butter, peppermint oil for baking, reliably hot water and good water pressure for showers -- that I often don't have abroad. But not missing them makes life easier and when I do get those things, they are a wonderful treat!