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Sandra Stephens's avatar

Great essay, but naturally a social scientist will like any content that includes Maslow's updated hierarchy of needs. Gorgeous photos ttoo! I hope we get to meet and hang out some day, everything you say here resonates so strongly, I wrote a little about this myself when someone said to me, well it's much easier to do this (move abroad) with a partner, than being alone. I wasn't so sure about that.

Yes, it is easier, in some ways, to make this move with a partner without a doubt. But there are downfalls too, especially if you are financially tied together. You might feel trapped when the future does not look as bright as it once did. You might experience the terror of abandonment, managing those emotions alone without your lifelong friends and family support system nearby. I would tell each member of a couple, don’t come because you are jointly committed. Come because you yourself really want to do this above all things. Because you may find yourself alone here, the unthinkable, the unexpected could happen to your partner and/or relationship. When your world is turning upside down it’s important to be ready to like being alone with yourself right where you are.

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Elizabeth Silleck La Rue, Esq.'s avatar

This is an excellent post, and I really appreciate your in-depth exploration of this question. As someone who left in large part out of fear and anxiety (and rage) about racial hostility, with stark unaffordability (a $400 rent hike and the residue of a COVID layoff), leaving in 2022 saved our lives.

One point I would add: when one's environment causes a chronic amygdala hijack, it can be very difficult to "do the work" of self-help. And cruelly, that is when you need it most. In my case, I needed the space from the US to heal from it.

This paragraph really encapsulated this, and I want to tie this point to the way that gaining the equanimity necessary to deal with the challenges of moving to a new country, in some cases, could only be gained by moving there. "Here is what I suspect: Moving to another country makes the most sense when the needs you are struggling to meet are toward the bottom of Maslow’s hierarchy—the deficiency needs. All refugees know this. If you are a trans person facing threats to your physical safety, or a woman facing challenges to your bodily autonomy, then moving to a safer environment could make sense. Similarly, people who are facing financial ruin because of the cost of healthcare where they live have a good reason to move to a place where healthcare is considered a right (i.e., a normal country). That said, greed is not a motivation that I can endorse; many people want to leave their country simply because they wish to avoid paying taxes. I see this as unfortunate, short-sighted, and unlikely to lead to happiness."

We can only be happy when we are healed, and it's very difficult to heal from a wound when bigoted, miserable people are chronically levying their hate at you. Like picking a scab.

I'm so grateful we left, and helping others - especially those on the front lines of fascist attack - trans and racially targeted people - to leave is the least I can do.

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