Five years ago I moved from Los Angeles to Northern Indiana and even though I lived in Central Africa mostly until I was 18 I think moving across the US was one of the biggest culture shocks of my life. Certainly the shock part. I knew what family dynamics I would have to face and that was bad enough. Finding that moving from very blue to very red and very urban to very rural was like moving to another country, was a shock indeed. There are things I love about it and things that made me think I would lose my mind. Mostly I have adjusted except that the situation with my sibling, that I moved in with, has completely deteriorated. His life has spiraled out of control financially and it has not improved his mental health. Fortunately, I can fix it by moving across town. So yes, in order to continue our own lives and self care and emotional health it does sometimes require a physical relocation. Gratefully, it's only across town. Although living internationally again would be fun.
Interesting that moving from LA to Indiana produced so much culture shock, Joyce! Though of course it makes sense when you think about all the different axes of difference there (urban vs. rural, west vs. midwest, blue vs. red, very multicultural vs. less so, etc.) I hope things will go better for you and your brother. Don't ever forget that the rest of the world is still out there!
Thank you for this essay. As someone who is currently in Spain contemplating whether to look for somewhere to live here, back in the UK, or somewhere else, this is a helpful addition to my current contemplations. Our shadow follows us wherever we go, but our environement does also have an impact. I was looking at the heierachy of needs a few days ago, digging it out of my old teacher training. It's definatley helpful to consider in terms of meeting our own needs.
Thank you, Charlie! It sounds like you are already operating on a similar wavelength. I hope that you will be able to make a decision about where to "fix yourself" that will feel right for you.
Interesting essay, as usual Gregory-not-Greg. I have learned to be the nonchalant dentist goer. I also am of the opinion that we don’t need fixing. We’re not broken. We’re often scared or discombobulated or dissatisfied. But broken is something that our rampant capitalist society wants us to believe so we keep running on the treadmill of buying everything to numb the pain we don’t want to feel.
As you know, I moved from Australia to Finland for reasons of the heart. It’s been a difficult journey but mostly it’s been flucking fantastic. I’ve had to get over myself, get over my fear, and learn a Fluck tonne of new things. “Running away” and “gliding towards” is a shift in perspective I guess but if you think moving somewhere else is going to make you into a new and different person, you’d be highly mistaken, as you suggest in many of your essays. You end up being “more you,” even the bits you’re trying to run from.
Anyway, long and Rambly but thanks for a thought provoking piece with nice pics 😊
Thanks for this, Lisa! I know, the term "fix" is problematic, but since it's the central term in the "debate", I felt I was stuck with it. Since people are not machines, they can't really be "broken", but I do think that a lot of us (maybe most of us) live with a certain amount of trauma, and so it's probably more accurate to talk about "healing" than to talk about "fixing". I think that some places are _not_ conducive to healing, and others are more so. But simply plonking yourself down on a beach somewhere isn't going to heal you—it will just get you a suntan. You still need to do the hard work, wherever you are. Eller hur?
Exactly. And your examples and reasoning apply across life’s challenges. I’m thinking divorce, for one thing. Changing jobs, for another. Et cetera. Thank you for your thoughtful essay!
I appreciate your approach, although I will not caution anyone from making a go of it in Europe and being brave. What I have learned from living in two countries (Spain and US), is that even if you go with idealized expectations you’ll find that the challenge builds resilience. At minimum you’ll realize how big and beautiful the world is. Although you’ll never be able to avoid a country’s downside, you’ll grow by leaps and bounds by being out of your comfort zone, meeting people and having new experiences. And if you’re lucky you’ll come to both appreciate your adoptive country and your home country more than you thought possible.
Thanks for this, Emily. Much of what you say echoes the points I made in "Living Abroad Changed Me as a Person"—one stands to gain immensely as a person from the experience. Part of my project here at Living Elsewhere is to make sure that people do consider _both_ the positive and the negative consequences of moving to another country. If you can handle the negative ones (and many can't), then the positive ones are usually more than worth it, I find.
A lot of food for thought. And a small inward giggle regarding the waiting room and Richard Gere. My late husband had the most frivolous and funny joke involving the waiting room and RG and a couple of other chaps. Not possible to retell, I've tried. Did not land well. You have to be a dude to tell it 😁😁
Carina, I'm so sorry to hear about your husband. And I'm not going to ask you to retell the joke about RG. I wonder whether it involves small, furry animals, though... 😬
This is a brilliant prompt for some introspection for anyone considering a relocation. (Or transplantation!)
There are no easy outs, the choice to say or ultimately go will both come with challenges. As you say the mental element is key and I think success will ultimately lie in the attitude brought.
For me a desire to relocate has always been about the new experiences, a new opportunity to grow, to learn more about the world, community and myself. Whether that’s a fixer or not I am not sure!
Very well put, Lauren! Success will ultimately lie in the attitude brought. I think that approaching moving to new places as an opportunity to learn and to grow is representative of moving to satisfy the higher needs in Maslow's hierarchy, the growth needs. And if that is where you are, it's a good place, I'd say!
Hi Gregory! Thanks for the shout, and for carrying on the discussion! The coin's got me thinking. In fiction-writer school I had a prof who used to talk about potatoes and vodka--the physical real-world action of the scene vs. the character/narrator's subejctive description of those realities...but I'd never bothered to turn that one on my own actual life! The coin hits. I'm thinking about the coin as the entire experience of living abroad. The action of doing so--the hubbub of difference, the weird logistics, the meeting new folks, the particiapting awkwardly in new rituals--all that I can (mostly) knock out of the park by this point. It's the thinking about it, the narratative in my head about it, that I can't ever quite get down. I'm forever lying in that dentist chair thinking, is this me? Is this home?? Which is all part of the fun, I suppose, until it ain't? I been heavy on the obvious side of the coin for years. About time to polish up the other one. Thanks for this! And cheers to freezing apartments in foreign lands!
I hear you, Dan. For a person who is given to introspection, living abroad can be a perpetual mind-fuck. You see yourself doing all of these things that previously, you didn't know people did, and keep asking yourself, "Who in the world am I to be speaking German/watching rugby/eating calçots in the street? Am I an imposter, pretending to be a version of myself in an alternate universe?" That's why I don't recommend introspection. 😂😂😂
My story doesn’t quite fit either since I was transplanted from what was my home in Europe to the U.S. My parents relocated to their hometown and did not give me the choice to remain.
What I’ve discovered only recently is that I never gave up my culture. I brought it along with me and, in the process, changed my community here. Wherever we live, we become part of the landscape and change it whether we are aware of it or not.
My partner and I both agree that we have reached the top of the pyramid. Even though the place that we live in isn’t the best in the world, we have made it work by creating our own world here, which I think we would do wherever we are. It comes back to maybe home being what you carry within rather than without? That said, we return several times a year to the old country to soak it in and remember. It also makes us realize how fortunate we are back here.
And, yes, I’ve been loving these discussions and insights including your post here.
Thank you very much, Rachel! Your comment resonates with what Tim Dawkins wrote recently about taking care of your own piece of the sidewalk. I am sorry that you were forcibly transplanted between cultures, but it sounds like you managed to sneak a bit of native soil in with you and flourish. You have my congratulations.
I'm in flight mode, would love to be able to teleport myself over to Portugal or Spain or Bhutan (ideally) right now. At first I felt I couldn't possibly displace K with his dementia. But... if these first 16 days are any indication, a preview of the coming "attractions", who knows how long I can hold out? My amygdala is like a beet sounding the alarm with my Venezuelan experience PTSD but I'm split between the choice of being near my eldest daughters and gkids and/or live in peace with bad calçadas near my youngest. I don't which mode of transplant I would fall into Gregory. All I know is that even though I'm located near Miami in #FascistFloriduh we may be hovering low at Maslow's.
I hear you, Janine, and you have my sympathy. You are in one of those situations where there is no perfect solution. All I can say is, maybe it's good to embrace the range of possible resources for dealing with the trauma, from therapy and medication, to curated news consumption, to travel, to potential emigration. I hope that things will get better on both sides of the coin!
I am not sure if I fit into either category, or even belong in the discussion, but I am endlessly interested in the topics of home, and wandering, and where it is we belong.
My husband and I travel full time in the US, so we haven't actually relocated anywhere, but did leave our home, friends, and everything familiar behind. We don't really live anywhere, although if someone asks me where I live, I say "here". Wherever "here" is at that moment.
We experienced a tragedy in our lives, and our former hometown became a painful place to live. It's too hard to be there. So maybe relocating or transplanting fixes something on the outside. But it also helps repair the inside – being in the sun, in beautiful peaceful places, in the quiet of the desert or by the edge of the ocean. I don't know how long we'll do this. We could settle down almost anywhere, but I'm always looking at maps and there's nowhere I want to commit to. Yet. We'll see. I enjoy your writing, Gregory.
Thank you for sharing this, Tina. I am very sorry for your loss; I find your story and your writing beautiful. I fully believe that tragedy can sometimes be dealt with more easily by a change of place—and there is nothing wrong with a nomadic existence, in my view. Change comes very naturally for me, too.
Someone actually asked me yesterday what "home" meant to me. I said that for me, home is any place where I feel safe, centered, and at peace. For me, that means that I have several homes scattered around the world. For a person who was more emotionally robust, perhaps home could be any place at all. I think that would be wonderful.
Great, thought-provoking post. As an educator (also), I'm reminded of psychologist Carole Dweck's fixed vs. growth mindset. Portuguese for moving, usually of getting a taxi or something episodic like that, is deslocar-se. Which, if translated unsubtly, means to dislocate oneself. Sometimes we have to dislocate ourselves to find ourselves.
Nice point, Justine! We should all dislocate ourselves from time to time, to gain greater perspective. And yes, Dweck's theory is applicable here, for sure. I actually had a whole paragraph about locus of control and self-efficacy that I cut, because I decided that there had to be a limit to geeking out, but I hear what you're saying.
Totally agree as someone who has lived abroad a number of extended stays, that 1) cultural difference exists and shapes daily life much more than many people expect when they think " it will be sunny, and cheaper" in that consumerist American man er, and 2) there will be many frustrations , just as there are in every setting - they will just be ones characteristic if the new place (and, if you've never spent time there except on vacation, most likely surprising to you, as well as unwelcome!)
AND also - see #1 above - if you enter into a new place's rhythms, assumptions, mores it can be a salutary and welcome process. You will still carry your own personality, but many of it's current means of expression will be revealed as optional, in ways that can facilitate change.
Finally, there's another (very lucky) group of people who consider changing location at this point- those of us who like me already have extensive family (and friendship) ties to another country. If I leave the US it will be to join an extended family of 25 people - and a culture I am intimately familiar with (including its frustrating limitations - anyone dealt with the incredible fussiness of a French bureaucratic process? 😵) For us it's about flowing to the place where our roots run deep and we can still (at least for now) live with more freedom, and the love of our dear ones. I am heartbroken to feel like escape is the best plan at this point - and will continue my lifelong activism from abroad. But it feels like the time I've been fearing us here - and I don't want to spend my last decades under misogynist undemocratic rule.
Sarah, I can hear your frustration. And I appreciate your points about cultural differences (especially that changing lifestyle can show how many things you thought weren't optional really are). You are in a very small and enviable minority of people who have a home abroad ready and waiting! I hope that will ease the transition, if you do decide to make the move eastward.
Thanks for the mention Greg, this continues to be a fun ongoing conversation!
I'm a firm believer in working on oneself, and I agree that individuals are different with different needs.
The thing I'm curious about is how places shape our emotions and behavior. Growing up in the US, it never occurred to me to use a bicycle for commuting and running errands.
Moving to Barcelona changed my behavior in such a fundamental way that I can never go back to living in a car-centric environment. I could have "worked on myself" all I wanted to, but still this component would have been missing had I continued living out my life in suburbia.
Of course, there's no guarantee that moving to a sunny inexpensive place will make us happier, but we certainly are influenced by our environment and our physical surroundings. So why not transplant yourself to a place that is more conducive to your well-being? Sure there'll be some hurdles and inconveniences to deal with, but overcoming these obstacles is how you build strength and resilience.
Hi Brian! Yes, it's an interesting conversation. I agree with your perspective, and I had the same experience with regard to bicycles: "Oh, you mean that here, this is considered a valid and dignified manner of transport? Incredible!"
I think that transplanting yourself to a place that is conducive to your well-being makes perfect sense. But of course, there is the problem that I highlighted in this piece: Do you really know what your needs are? One could easily move to, oh, I don't know, Barcelona, thinking that more sunshine, excellent public transit, fantastic museums, and vermouth (oh, vermouth!) would make life perfect. But... if, for example, you happen to be someone who loves nature (not just the occasional tree, but real forest), then it wouldn't really be a good choice. And if you are highly sensitive to pollution, noise, or calçots (😆), then likewise, it might not be a good fit.
So really, it's about self-knowledge, which, while it might be uncomfortable at times, is never a bad thing.
I currently live in a small town in the U.S., chosen on purpose because it gives me more of some of the things I want than the big U.S. cities I've lived in. But some of the things I find most draining and erosive about the U.S. are deeply cultural and exist in small towns just as much as anywhere, which I knew was the case when I made this move. So, having found that indeed, living in a place with more stuff I like and less stuff I don't is good, I'm looking to improve the ratio and that's going to require being in a place where the culture is different in some key ways. I suppose it's a bit like needing more sunshine to thrive.
I'm not too daunted by language issues or dealing with Byzantine and slow-moving bureaucracies and have done some of both. And I have, for the past year or two, been gradually gathering information and digging around and talking to people and narrowing down possible non-US places where I have reason to think, based on both research and travel, that I'll get a daily life that has more of the things I like a lot and fewer of some of the things that I find draining and erosive. I am, however, fully aware -- because I've lived in some very different places -- that there will be surly contractors, endemic environmental annoyances, and idiots I will want to shake until their teeth rattle no matter where I go. Too, I know that there will be days on which I will be one of those idiots.
Hanne, it sounds like you are in the top percentile in terms of thoughtfulness (if not knowledge of Portuguese history 😉). I wish you much luck in you eventual decision about where to live. Knowing that it won't be easy, you will, I'm convinced, find a place that will feel right for you.
I wanted to leave my home country, the Netherlands, early on. Looking for adventure, I thought. A more interesting culture. (I moved to Paris). But looking back, I think I needed to get away from my surroundings to find or remake who I was and just be myself.
Yes, Claire, I think that sometimes the moving itself creates the space necessary for self-reflection. When we step outside the environment in which people are telling us who we are, we can more easily figure out who we _really_ are.
Five years ago I moved from Los Angeles to Northern Indiana and even though I lived in Central Africa mostly until I was 18 I think moving across the US was one of the biggest culture shocks of my life. Certainly the shock part. I knew what family dynamics I would have to face and that was bad enough. Finding that moving from very blue to very red and very urban to very rural was like moving to another country, was a shock indeed. There are things I love about it and things that made me think I would lose my mind. Mostly I have adjusted except that the situation with my sibling, that I moved in with, has completely deteriorated. His life has spiraled out of control financially and it has not improved his mental health. Fortunately, I can fix it by moving across town. So yes, in order to continue our own lives and self care and emotional health it does sometimes require a physical relocation. Gratefully, it's only across town. Although living internationally again would be fun.
Interesting that moving from LA to Indiana produced so much culture shock, Joyce! Though of course it makes sense when you think about all the different axes of difference there (urban vs. rural, west vs. midwest, blue vs. red, very multicultural vs. less so, etc.) I hope things will go better for you and your brother. Don't ever forget that the rest of the world is still out there!
Thank you for this essay. As someone who is currently in Spain contemplating whether to look for somewhere to live here, back in the UK, or somewhere else, this is a helpful addition to my current contemplations. Our shadow follows us wherever we go, but our environement does also have an impact. I was looking at the heierachy of needs a few days ago, digging it out of my old teacher training. It's definatley helpful to consider in terms of meeting our own needs.
Thank you, Charlie! It sounds like you are already operating on a similar wavelength. I hope that you will be able to make a decision about where to "fix yourself" that will feel right for you.
Interesting essay, as usual Gregory-not-Greg. I have learned to be the nonchalant dentist goer. I also am of the opinion that we don’t need fixing. We’re not broken. We’re often scared or discombobulated or dissatisfied. But broken is something that our rampant capitalist society wants us to believe so we keep running on the treadmill of buying everything to numb the pain we don’t want to feel.
As you know, I moved from Australia to Finland for reasons of the heart. It’s been a difficult journey but mostly it’s been flucking fantastic. I’ve had to get over myself, get over my fear, and learn a Fluck tonne of new things. “Running away” and “gliding towards” is a shift in perspective I guess but if you think moving somewhere else is going to make you into a new and different person, you’d be highly mistaken, as you suggest in many of your essays. You end up being “more you,” even the bits you’re trying to run from.
Anyway, long and Rambly but thanks for a thought provoking piece with nice pics 😊
Thanks for this, Lisa! I know, the term "fix" is problematic, but since it's the central term in the "debate", I felt I was stuck with it. Since people are not machines, they can't really be "broken", but I do think that a lot of us (maybe most of us) live with a certain amount of trauma, and so it's probably more accurate to talk about "healing" than to talk about "fixing". I think that some places are _not_ conducive to healing, and others are more so. But simply plonking yourself down on a beach somewhere isn't going to heal you—it will just get you a suntan. You still need to do the hard work, wherever you are. Eller hur?
Exakt! Det kräver att man titta sig i spegeln! Doing the work takes time, patience and a good dose of self-love 😅
Exactly. And your examples and reasoning apply across life’s challenges. I’m thinking divorce, for one thing. Changing jobs, for another. Et cetera. Thank you for your thoughtful essay!
Thanks, Melissa! I'm glad that the piece resonated with you. And I think you're right about life's challenges.
I appreciate your approach, although I will not caution anyone from making a go of it in Europe and being brave. What I have learned from living in two countries (Spain and US), is that even if you go with idealized expectations you’ll find that the challenge builds resilience. At minimum you’ll realize how big and beautiful the world is. Although you’ll never be able to avoid a country’s downside, you’ll grow by leaps and bounds by being out of your comfort zone, meeting people and having new experiences. And if you’re lucky you’ll come to both appreciate your adoptive country and your home country more than you thought possible.
Thanks for this, Emily. Much of what you say echoes the points I made in "Living Abroad Changed Me as a Person"—one stands to gain immensely as a person from the experience. Part of my project here at Living Elsewhere is to make sure that people do consider _both_ the positive and the negative consequences of moving to another country. If you can handle the negative ones (and many can't), then the positive ones are usually more than worth it, I find.
A lot of food for thought. And a small inward giggle regarding the waiting room and Richard Gere. My late husband had the most frivolous and funny joke involving the waiting room and RG and a couple of other chaps. Not possible to retell, I've tried. Did not land well. You have to be a dude to tell it 😁😁
Carina, I'm so sorry to hear about your husband. And I'm not going to ask you to retell the joke about RG. I wonder whether it involves small, furry animals, though... 😬
No furry animals, that's another very indecent joke 😬
This is a brilliant prompt for some introspection for anyone considering a relocation. (Or transplantation!)
There are no easy outs, the choice to say or ultimately go will both come with challenges. As you say the mental element is key and I think success will ultimately lie in the attitude brought.
For me a desire to relocate has always been about the new experiences, a new opportunity to grow, to learn more about the world, community and myself. Whether that’s a fixer or not I am not sure!
Thanks for sharing.
Very well put, Lauren! Success will ultimately lie in the attitude brought. I think that approaching moving to new places as an opportunity to learn and to grow is representative of moving to satisfy the higher needs in Maslow's hierarchy, the growth needs. And if that is where you are, it's a good place, I'd say!
Hi Gregory! Thanks for the shout, and for carrying on the discussion! The coin's got me thinking. In fiction-writer school I had a prof who used to talk about potatoes and vodka--the physical real-world action of the scene vs. the character/narrator's subejctive description of those realities...but I'd never bothered to turn that one on my own actual life! The coin hits. I'm thinking about the coin as the entire experience of living abroad. The action of doing so--the hubbub of difference, the weird logistics, the meeting new folks, the particiapting awkwardly in new rituals--all that I can (mostly) knock out of the park by this point. It's the thinking about it, the narratative in my head about it, that I can't ever quite get down. I'm forever lying in that dentist chair thinking, is this me? Is this home?? Which is all part of the fun, I suppose, until it ain't? I been heavy on the obvious side of the coin for years. About time to polish up the other one. Thanks for this! And cheers to freezing apartments in foreign lands!
I hear you, Dan. For a person who is given to introspection, living abroad can be a perpetual mind-fuck. You see yourself doing all of these things that previously, you didn't know people did, and keep asking yourself, "Who in the world am I to be speaking German/watching rugby/eating calçots in the street? Am I an imposter, pretending to be a version of myself in an alternate universe?" That's why I don't recommend introspection. 😂😂😂
The Unexamined Life indeed! Watching rugby does my head in anyways, might as well embrace the mind-fuck of it all :)
My story doesn’t quite fit either since I was transplanted from what was my home in Europe to the U.S. My parents relocated to their hometown and did not give me the choice to remain.
What I’ve discovered only recently is that I never gave up my culture. I brought it along with me and, in the process, changed my community here. Wherever we live, we become part of the landscape and change it whether we are aware of it or not.
My partner and I both agree that we have reached the top of the pyramid. Even though the place that we live in isn’t the best in the world, we have made it work by creating our own world here, which I think we would do wherever we are. It comes back to maybe home being what you carry within rather than without? That said, we return several times a year to the old country to soak it in and remember. It also makes us realize how fortunate we are back here.
And, yes, I’ve been loving these discussions and insights including your post here.
Thank you very much, Rachel! Your comment resonates with what Tim Dawkins wrote recently about taking care of your own piece of the sidewalk. I am sorry that you were forcibly transplanted between cultures, but it sounds like you managed to sneak a bit of native soil in with you and flourish. You have my congratulations.
I'm in flight mode, would love to be able to teleport myself over to Portugal or Spain or Bhutan (ideally) right now. At first I felt I couldn't possibly displace K with his dementia. But... if these first 16 days are any indication, a preview of the coming "attractions", who knows how long I can hold out? My amygdala is like a beet sounding the alarm with my Venezuelan experience PTSD but I'm split between the choice of being near my eldest daughters and gkids and/or live in peace with bad calçadas near my youngest. I don't which mode of transplant I would fall into Gregory. All I know is that even though I'm located near Miami in #FascistFloriduh we may be hovering low at Maslow's.
I hear you, Janine, and you have my sympathy. You are in one of those situations where there is no perfect solution. All I can say is, maybe it's good to embrace the range of possible resources for dealing with the trauma, from therapy and medication, to curated news consumption, to travel, to potential emigration. I hope that things will get better on both sides of the coin!
Obrigada querido amigo... yep! On a news diet, snuggled in bed with my cats, a moisturizing mask on my face, eating chocolate cookies and reading🤷🏼♀️
I am not sure if I fit into either category, or even belong in the discussion, but I am endlessly interested in the topics of home, and wandering, and where it is we belong.
My husband and I travel full time in the US, so we haven't actually relocated anywhere, but did leave our home, friends, and everything familiar behind. We don't really live anywhere, although if someone asks me where I live, I say "here". Wherever "here" is at that moment.
We experienced a tragedy in our lives, and our former hometown became a painful place to live. It's too hard to be there. So maybe relocating or transplanting fixes something on the outside. But it also helps repair the inside – being in the sun, in beautiful peaceful places, in the quiet of the desert or by the edge of the ocean. I don't know how long we'll do this. We could settle down almost anywhere, but I'm always looking at maps and there's nowhere I want to commit to. Yet. We'll see. I enjoy your writing, Gregory.
Thank you for sharing this, Tina. I am very sorry for your loss; I find your story and your writing beautiful. I fully believe that tragedy can sometimes be dealt with more easily by a change of place—and there is nothing wrong with a nomadic existence, in my view. Change comes very naturally for me, too.
Someone actually asked me yesterday what "home" meant to me. I said that for me, home is any place where I feel safe, centered, and at peace. For me, that means that I have several homes scattered around the world. For a person who was more emotionally robust, perhaps home could be any place at all. I think that would be wonderful.
Great, thought-provoking post. As an educator (also), I'm reminded of psychologist Carole Dweck's fixed vs. growth mindset. Portuguese for moving, usually of getting a taxi or something episodic like that, is deslocar-se. Which, if translated unsubtly, means to dislocate oneself. Sometimes we have to dislocate ourselves to find ourselves.
Nice point, Justine! We should all dislocate ourselves from time to time, to gain greater perspective. And yes, Dweck's theory is applicable here, for sure. I actually had a whole paragraph about locus of control and self-efficacy that I cut, because I decided that there had to be a limit to geeking out, but I hear what you're saying.
Totally agree as someone who has lived abroad a number of extended stays, that 1) cultural difference exists and shapes daily life much more than many people expect when they think " it will be sunny, and cheaper" in that consumerist American man er, and 2) there will be many frustrations , just as there are in every setting - they will just be ones characteristic if the new place (and, if you've never spent time there except on vacation, most likely surprising to you, as well as unwelcome!)
AND also - see #1 above - if you enter into a new place's rhythms, assumptions, mores it can be a salutary and welcome process. You will still carry your own personality, but many of it's current means of expression will be revealed as optional, in ways that can facilitate change.
Finally, there's another (very lucky) group of people who consider changing location at this point- those of us who like me already have extensive family (and friendship) ties to another country. If I leave the US it will be to join an extended family of 25 people - and a culture I am intimately familiar with (including its frustrating limitations - anyone dealt with the incredible fussiness of a French bureaucratic process? 😵) For us it's about flowing to the place where our roots run deep and we can still (at least for now) live with more freedom, and the love of our dear ones. I am heartbroken to feel like escape is the best plan at this point - and will continue my lifelong activism from abroad. But it feels like the time I've been fearing us here - and I don't want to spend my last decades under misogynist undemocratic rule.
Sarah, I can hear your frustration. And I appreciate your points about cultural differences (especially that changing lifestyle can show how many things you thought weren't optional really are). You are in a very small and enviable minority of people who have a home abroad ready and waiting! I hope that will ease the transition, if you do decide to make the move eastward.
Thanks for the mention Greg, this continues to be a fun ongoing conversation!
I'm a firm believer in working on oneself, and I agree that individuals are different with different needs.
The thing I'm curious about is how places shape our emotions and behavior. Growing up in the US, it never occurred to me to use a bicycle for commuting and running errands.
Moving to Barcelona changed my behavior in such a fundamental way that I can never go back to living in a car-centric environment. I could have "worked on myself" all I wanted to, but still this component would have been missing had I continued living out my life in suburbia.
Of course, there's no guarantee that moving to a sunny inexpensive place will make us happier, but we certainly are influenced by our environment and our physical surroundings. So why not transplant yourself to a place that is more conducive to your well-being? Sure there'll be some hurdles and inconveniences to deal with, but overcoming these obstacles is how you build strength and resilience.
Hi Brian! Yes, it's an interesting conversation. I agree with your perspective, and I had the same experience with regard to bicycles: "Oh, you mean that here, this is considered a valid and dignified manner of transport? Incredible!"
I think that transplanting yourself to a place that is conducive to your well-being makes perfect sense. But of course, there is the problem that I highlighted in this piece: Do you really know what your needs are? One could easily move to, oh, I don't know, Barcelona, thinking that more sunshine, excellent public transit, fantastic museums, and vermouth (oh, vermouth!) would make life perfect. But... if, for example, you happen to be someone who loves nature (not just the occasional tree, but real forest), then it wouldn't really be a good choice. And if you are highly sensitive to pollution, noise, or calçots (😆), then likewise, it might not be a good fit.
So really, it's about self-knowledge, which, while it might be uncomfortable at times, is never a bad thing.
I currently live in a small town in the U.S., chosen on purpose because it gives me more of some of the things I want than the big U.S. cities I've lived in. But some of the things I find most draining and erosive about the U.S. are deeply cultural and exist in small towns just as much as anywhere, which I knew was the case when I made this move. So, having found that indeed, living in a place with more stuff I like and less stuff I don't is good, I'm looking to improve the ratio and that's going to require being in a place where the culture is different in some key ways. I suppose it's a bit like needing more sunshine to thrive.
I'm not too daunted by language issues or dealing with Byzantine and slow-moving bureaucracies and have done some of both. And I have, for the past year or two, been gradually gathering information and digging around and talking to people and narrowing down possible non-US places where I have reason to think, based on both research and travel, that I'll get a daily life that has more of the things I like a lot and fewer of some of the things that I find draining and erosive. I am, however, fully aware -- because I've lived in some very different places -- that there will be surly contractors, endemic environmental annoyances, and idiots I will want to shake until their teeth rattle no matter where I go. Too, I know that there will be days on which I will be one of those idiots.
Hanne, it sounds like you are in the top percentile in terms of thoughtfulness (if not knowledge of Portuguese history 😉). I wish you much luck in you eventual decision about where to live. Knowing that it won't be easy, you will, I'm convinced, find a place that will feel right for you.
I wanted to leave my home country, the Netherlands, early on. Looking for adventure, I thought. A more interesting culture. (I moved to Paris). But looking back, I think I needed to get away from my surroundings to find or remake who I was and just be myself.
Yes, Claire, I think that sometimes the moving itself creates the space necessary for self-reflection. When we step outside the environment in which people are telling us who we are, we can more easily figure out who we _really_ are.