I had written a long comment but mistakenly deleted it somehow. Running out of time to rewrite it right now, alas. In brief, I gradually became more comfortable with solo travel after about age 35, and became comfortable having dinner out by myself at about the same time. For whatever reason, my youthful self-consciousness eased. My best solo travel experience to date, though, was when at age 20, towards the end of the college semester abroad I spent in Edinburgh, Scotland, I took the train by myself into the Highlands and visited the Isle of Mull and the village of Glencoe and its surrounding mountains. At the farthest point away from where the bus dropped me, I remember thinking that that was the furthest I’d ever been from all that was familiar to me. Now with the advent of cellphones and smartphones, I don’t know that I could ever again reach a place of such distance, such remoteness, since the device and its alluring screen always beckon with reminders and intrusions from all that I already know.
I loved this article. Especially your advice about not overplanning and not being too ambitious—guilty as charged here! I always want to pack my travel itinerary with so many activities and sights, because I want to do all the things, and see all the things! Your suggestions are good reminders to just slow down a little, and allow time for spontaneity and curiosity. Thank you!
I'm glad you found it helpful! Yes, I do think that slowing the pace down is important if you want to enjoy _doing the thing_ rather than _having done the thing_.
I took my first solo trip for my 26th birthday! I went to Miami for 4 days and it was amazing. Funny enough, they were have record breaking flooding most of the time I was there but I didn’t let that fact ruin it for me!
Sounds like you had a good time, Cecilia! It’s true: You don’t have to let things ruin it for you. It’s really a question of attitude (unless, of course, you have to evacuate, I suppose 🫤).
We are in the throes of planning (together) a 3-month interrail for this old man’s milestone birthday this year. There is so much we relish about travelling together (sorry, slightly off the thrust of this excellent piece) but we are chatting at the planning stage about making space for time alone, to do the things we enjoy individually, to make time and to give one another room. Love all the quotes and the tips at the end are duly noted!
I think that is an excellent idea! Travel together, but with some time alone, sounds like a perfect compromise between the two modes. Note the comment below (or above) by Equilibrist, who makes plans with a friend to travel "alone together".
I think that, in the same way that it can keep a relationship lively to see each other at the end of a workday and tell stories from the day's activities, it could also be refreshing to spend a couple of days traveling apart, and then meet up to tell stories. The best of both worlds.
Freedom, openness, clarity of internal and external insights - so many reasons to travel solo long term. We can often resist it or be afraid but it's so good for us!
Gregory, May I say I fell in love with this story just now? It feels like some kind of magic spell of connectedness finding this today. How some writers are also mind readers is astounding. I'm new to substack and can't stop telling everyone I know to sign up.
PS- solo travel saved me when everything in my world was broken. Solo travel became the medicine for hope to start over. It had to be done alone, in far away places. That was ten years ago. Haven't stopped.
Hello Debbie! It's good to have you here. I'm so glad you liked (even loved!) this piece. It's very affirming when we find that others have had and benefitted from some of the same experiences, isn't it? I'm sorry to hear that you went through such difficult times, but I'm glad that you found a way to heal yourself. Solo travel to the rescue! 🛟
"I will confess that one of my favorite activities when traveling alone is to go to a café or pub, order a drink, and just sit watching people". Could easily have written that. I really love that part of travelling. Just sit watching people. Not so easily explained to some friends who think of travelling as a scavenger hunt (don't know if it's the right word, I mean this game where you and your team have to complete a series of tasks to win).
Carina, the Liggvagn picture was included as an inside joke for any Swedish speakers among my readers; it's related to the paragraph below it. I'm glad you spotted it! 🇸🇪
The fact that this essay is long is not a bother. As I have often argued to female companions, size is not important. There is so much to ponder here that I will read it again and again. Even watching TV with another person can be a hazardous experience.
I have loved solo travel since my first experience of it at age 22, when I spent six months alone in Europe after graduating from college. Back then, of course, it was quite a different experience from how I travel alone now, some four decades later—I stayed in hostels and worked my way through various destinations in order to be able to continue the trip, then hitchhiked back through Turkey, Bulgaria, and the former Yugoslavia to Western Europe. Now my getaways are generally a week or ten days at most, and I stay in much better (but not luxurious) places, but I do still follow the maxim of not trying to do too much in one trip. I’m an urbanite, so I tend to base myself in one city, perhaps with some day trips.
The main downside of solo travel for me is that it often feels intimidating to think about renting a car alone, having to navigate as well as drive. And there are some rural places I’d like to visit that are mainly accessible by car, especially in parts of Italy and France as well as in Ireland and England.
I empathize with the woman above who mentioned constant unwanted attention and harassment as a downside to solo travel. The good news is that it stops happening when a woman reaches a certain age! All through my 20s and 30s, and into my 40s, this was just the reality that I had to put up with, particularly in southern Europe. I remember once in Sicily not feeling I could even stand still in front of a church, let alone take a seat on a bench, because some man would inevitably come over and start talking to me. These days, I find that many people are still interested in engaging, but often in a quite different way. It’s couples and families at a restaurant or cafe who strike up a conversation with me. I generally welcome those interactions.
One suggestion I have for those who are new to solo travel and are a bit apprehensive—start with what I call “traveling alone together.” I’ve done this many times, usually just with one close friend. We agree to spend some time together in a common destination, but it doesn’t mean we necessarily fly together or have the same itinerary. We may just meet in a certain city for four or five days that overlap. We usually don’t even stay in the same accommodations. But it’s an opportunity to spend as much or as little time together as we want. For me, that usually means a minimum of agreeing to meet for dinner each night. If we are interested in doing some of the same things, we may do them together or we may not. (Like you, I prefer to go to museums solo.) To me it’s the best of both worlds.
My next adventure is going to be five weeks in Parma, Italy, this spring, where I’ll take a couple of weeks as vacation and then work remotely. I love to cook and want to have a kitchen where I can go to a local market and cook the incredible local foods! And I may or may not have some friends join me for a few days here and there; either way, it’s all good. And I’m hoping to take my dog if logistics don’t get too complicated…
Thanks for sharing! I love the idea of "traveling alone together", and it's heartening that you can find people who are willing to do it. As for renting a car, don't you find that Google Maps can take the place of a human navigator? I suspect that it has actually saved a few relationships...
This is great, Gregory. “What is unusual is not my appreciation of travel—a majority of people will profess a love of travel—but rather my willingness to be alone”. I think this is sharply observed... It can be hard to sit with oneself, especially when confronted by all of the unpredictabilities and synchronicities that travel throws your way, which tend to function like a mirror inviting you to really see yourself! 😅
As a middle age woman with a husband and teenager- I am soooooo in need of solo travel. Not wanting to cater to others’ needs feel so luxurious and yet, unfortunately, so much guilt comes with it. I know many women feel this way and as much as people say stop the guilt, I just can’t stop. I have done 2 very short weekend trips alone and they were amazing. How does one get over the feeling of being “selfish” for travelling alone?!?!?!
Solo travel is the best self-help one can experience. One reason to do so: Get back to who you are and how differently you think once on your own. We (as women) are always thinking of others, it's how our DNA operates. Treat and a necessity and not a luxury. If your mental health depends on it guilt will no longer be a factor. I hope you find th courage and do it. You won't regret it. And even if you do, the experience will teach you something about yourself. Where are you planning to go? (haha, I'm holding you accountable to make the move and do it!)
Excellent! Please update us with details and images, I don't see that you have your own Substack. We'll share your adventure with you so you don't feel guilty.
Thanks for the encouragement!! I am definitely going to prepare mentally to do it and it doesn’t have to be somewhere far right away for a long time. It can be a short closer to home trip. I do travel a lot but always with the family!
Hi Stella! I wish I could answer your question, but, not being in your position, I can't speak from experience. I can say, however, that I really believe that to take care of yourself is to do a kindness to those you habitually care for. If they can live without you for a few days in exchange for having you be a healthier, happier person, why wouldn't they agree to that?
Yes, hard to put yourself into someone else’s shoes. And I agree that if I was a happier person, my son and husband would benefit immensely. Being middle aged also means knowing myself quite well and I know that the only thing standing in my way is myself!
May I suggest that you present this issue to your husband and son, and see what they say? If they see you as a caretaking robot, then they won't like it. But if they have empathy for you as a person, maybe they will understand that this is something you need and should have. Could it be worth a try?
Yes, definitely. Knowing my husband, there would not be an issue as he is very supportive of what I want. Maybe too much as he tends to be more easy going than I am. I tend to have stronger opinions on things and he is usually happy to go along. Not that he is a push over, but he is just happy to try most things. So, it really is just back to my own headspace…. I do think I can do it without the guilt, maybe not right at this moment but sooooon!
Stella, it sounds like you have done the warm-up exercises already! I am also a middle-aged woman with a husband and teenaged son— and a veteran solo traveler since I was a teenager. My husband has always been supportive of my wanderings and I certainly know that I am a better parent and better partner because my two guys never try to fence me in.
However, there is another type of pressure, and maybe this is something you feel: most societies do not know what to make of married women traveling alone just because they feel like it. I don’t know many times we have both had to answer the question “is everything ok between you two…?”
And mothers don’t just leave their kids with their husbands!— even when the kids are old enough to manage a lot themselves. Which is silly. (Neither of us got a parent’s license! We are equally capable of caring for our child!)
Chin up, Stella: I am sure that you will find your way to explore on your own! I’m rooting for you!
Every point in this essay resonates with me and articulates so well the joys of solo traveling. When I'm sometimes asked why I travel alone, I use to reply, "well... there are pluses and minuses of all styles of travel." I still think this is true to a large extent, however the more I travel solo the greater joy I find in it.
I'm so glad you get it, Sienna. The way I see it, there is no need to apologize. Solo travel is so fulfilling that it really shouldn't need to be defended. But it's hard to convey to those who haven't tried it.
I had written a long comment but mistakenly deleted it somehow. Running out of time to rewrite it right now, alas. In brief, I gradually became more comfortable with solo travel after about age 35, and became comfortable having dinner out by myself at about the same time. For whatever reason, my youthful self-consciousness eased. My best solo travel experience to date, though, was when at age 20, towards the end of the college semester abroad I spent in Edinburgh, Scotland, I took the train by myself into the Highlands and visited the Isle of Mull and the village of Glencoe and its surrounding mountains. At the farthest point away from where the bus dropped me, I remember thinking that that was the furthest I’d ever been from all that was familiar to me. Now with the advent of cellphones and smartphones, I don’t know that I could ever again reach a place of such distance, such remoteness, since the device and its alluring screen always beckon with reminders and intrusions from all that I already know.
I loved this article. Especially your advice about not overplanning and not being too ambitious—guilty as charged here! I always want to pack my travel itinerary with so many activities and sights, because I want to do all the things, and see all the things! Your suggestions are good reminders to just slow down a little, and allow time for spontaneity and curiosity. Thank you!
I'm glad you found it helpful! Yes, I do think that slowing the pace down is important if you want to enjoy _doing the thing_ rather than _having done the thing_.
I took my first solo trip for my 26th birthday! I went to Miami for 4 days and it was amazing. Funny enough, they were have record breaking flooding most of the time I was there but I didn’t let that fact ruin it for me!
Sounds like you had a good time, Cecilia! It’s true: You don’t have to let things ruin it for you. It’s really a question of attitude (unless, of course, you have to evacuate, I suppose 🫤).
Wonderful introduction to your writing. I'm subscribing! This is such an important topic and it left me dreaming of solo travel!
Thank you, Chris! And welcome! (I mean to the Substack. If you visited me, you wouldn’t be engaging in solo travel, now, would you?) 😁
We are in the throes of planning (together) a 3-month interrail for this old man’s milestone birthday this year. There is so much we relish about travelling together (sorry, slightly off the thrust of this excellent piece) but we are chatting at the planning stage about making space for time alone, to do the things we enjoy individually, to make time and to give one another room. Love all the quotes and the tips at the end are duly noted!
I think that is an excellent idea! Travel together, but with some time alone, sounds like a perfect compromise between the two modes. Note the comment below (or above) by Equilibrist, who makes plans with a friend to travel "alone together".
I think that, in the same way that it can keep a relationship lively to see each other at the end of a workday and tell stories from the day's activities, it could also be refreshing to spend a couple of days traveling apart, and then meet up to tell stories. The best of both worlds.
💛🚂💛
Freedom, openness, clarity of internal and external insights - so many reasons to travel solo long term. We can often resist it or be afraid but it's so good for us!
I'm so glad you agree, Claire!
Gregory, May I say I fell in love with this story just now? It feels like some kind of magic spell of connectedness finding this today. How some writers are also mind readers is astounding. I'm new to substack and can't stop telling everyone I know to sign up.
PS- solo travel saved me when everything in my world was broken. Solo travel became the medicine for hope to start over. It had to be done alone, in far away places. That was ten years ago. Haven't stopped.
Hello Debbie! It's good to have you here. I'm so glad you liked (even loved!) this piece. It's very affirming when we find that others have had and benefitted from some of the same experiences, isn't it? I'm sorry to hear that you went through such difficult times, but I'm glad that you found a way to heal yourself. Solo travel to the rescue! 🛟
Magnificence is the right word, Gregory. Though reading this pleasurably long essay made me worry that you are giving away all the good secrets 😉.
Fortunately I’m off again on Friday…. time to do laundry and think about which books I should take…
"I will confess that one of my favorite activities when traveling alone is to go to a café or pub, order a drink, and just sit watching people". Could easily have written that. I really love that part of travelling. Just sit watching people. Not so easily explained to some friends who think of travelling as a scavenger hunt (don't know if it's the right word, I mean this game where you and your team have to complete a series of tasks to win).
I'm glad you can relate, Renata! And yes, scavenger hunt is a good term to express the slightly manic way in which some people travel.
here we call this (or some kind of this) "gincana", but I looked the word in English and it's related to cars or horses...
Right there with you!
Nooo! Then we're not traveling solo! 😂
Liggvagn! 🤣🤣🤣 sorry but I can't stop laughing. I cannot be any more Swedish than this. Or am I totally wrong and it's a Norwegian train?
Carina, the Liggvagn picture was included as an inside joke for any Swedish speakers among my readers; it's related to the paragraph below it. I'm glad you spotted it! 🇸🇪
The fact that this essay is long is not a bother. As I have often argued to female companions, size is not important. There is so much to ponder here that I will read it again and again. Even watching TV with another person can be a hazardous experience.
Especially if you are rooting for opposite teams!
I have loved solo travel since my first experience of it at age 22, when I spent six months alone in Europe after graduating from college. Back then, of course, it was quite a different experience from how I travel alone now, some four decades later—I stayed in hostels and worked my way through various destinations in order to be able to continue the trip, then hitchhiked back through Turkey, Bulgaria, and the former Yugoslavia to Western Europe. Now my getaways are generally a week or ten days at most, and I stay in much better (but not luxurious) places, but I do still follow the maxim of not trying to do too much in one trip. I’m an urbanite, so I tend to base myself in one city, perhaps with some day trips.
The main downside of solo travel for me is that it often feels intimidating to think about renting a car alone, having to navigate as well as drive. And there are some rural places I’d like to visit that are mainly accessible by car, especially in parts of Italy and France as well as in Ireland and England.
I empathize with the woman above who mentioned constant unwanted attention and harassment as a downside to solo travel. The good news is that it stops happening when a woman reaches a certain age! All through my 20s and 30s, and into my 40s, this was just the reality that I had to put up with, particularly in southern Europe. I remember once in Sicily not feeling I could even stand still in front of a church, let alone take a seat on a bench, because some man would inevitably come over and start talking to me. These days, I find that many people are still interested in engaging, but often in a quite different way. It’s couples and families at a restaurant or cafe who strike up a conversation with me. I generally welcome those interactions.
One suggestion I have for those who are new to solo travel and are a bit apprehensive—start with what I call “traveling alone together.” I’ve done this many times, usually just with one close friend. We agree to spend some time together in a common destination, but it doesn’t mean we necessarily fly together or have the same itinerary. We may just meet in a certain city for four or five days that overlap. We usually don’t even stay in the same accommodations. But it’s an opportunity to spend as much or as little time together as we want. For me, that usually means a minimum of agreeing to meet for dinner each night. If we are interested in doing some of the same things, we may do them together or we may not. (Like you, I prefer to go to museums solo.) To me it’s the best of both worlds.
My next adventure is going to be five weeks in Parma, Italy, this spring, where I’ll take a couple of weeks as vacation and then work remotely. I love to cook and want to have a kitchen where I can go to a local market and cook the incredible local foods! And I may or may not have some friends join me for a few days here and there; either way, it’s all good. And I’m hoping to take my dog if logistics don’t get too complicated…
Thanks for sharing! I love the idea of "traveling alone together", and it's heartening that you can find people who are willing to do it. As for renting a car, don't you find that Google Maps can take the place of a human navigator? I suspect that it has actually saved a few relationships...
Just to say Parma is wonderful and I am full of envy that you will have 5 weeks there. I only had a day trip which was far too short a time.
This is great, Gregory. “What is unusual is not my appreciation of travel—a majority of people will profess a love of travel—but rather my willingness to be alone”. I think this is sharply observed... It can be hard to sit with oneself, especially when confronted by all of the unpredictabilities and synchronicities that travel throws your way, which tend to function like a mirror inviting you to really see yourself! 😅
Exactly, Michael! Travel really forces you to look at yourself, in ways that some people may find uncomfortable.
As a middle age woman with a husband and teenager- I am soooooo in need of solo travel. Not wanting to cater to others’ needs feel so luxurious and yet, unfortunately, so much guilt comes with it. I know many women feel this way and as much as people say stop the guilt, I just can’t stop. I have done 2 very short weekend trips alone and they were amazing. How does one get over the feeling of being “selfish” for travelling alone?!?!?!
Solo travel is the best self-help one can experience. One reason to do so: Get back to who you are and how differently you think once on your own. We (as women) are always thinking of others, it's how our DNA operates. Treat and a necessity and not a luxury. If your mental health depends on it guilt will no longer be a factor. I hope you find th courage and do it. You won't regret it. And even if you do, the experience will teach you something about yourself. Where are you planning to go? (haha, I'm holding you accountable to make the move and do it!)
Oh and the where : either a yoga retreat where the location speaks a different language, or 10 days in an awesome city like Paris!
Excellent! Please update us with details and images, I don't see that you have your own Substack. We'll share your adventure with you so you don't feel guilty.
Enjoy!
Thanks for the encouragement!! I am definitely going to prepare mentally to do it and it doesn’t have to be somewhere far right away for a long time. It can be a short closer to home trip. I do travel a lot but always with the family!
Hi Stella! I wish I could answer your question, but, not being in your position, I can't speak from experience. I can say, however, that I really believe that to take care of yourself is to do a kindness to those you habitually care for. If they can live without you for a few days in exchange for having you be a healthier, happier person, why wouldn't they agree to that?
Yes, hard to put yourself into someone else’s shoes. And I agree that if I was a happier person, my son and husband would benefit immensely. Being middle aged also means knowing myself quite well and I know that the only thing standing in my way is myself!
May I suggest that you present this issue to your husband and son, and see what they say? If they see you as a caretaking robot, then they won't like it. But if they have empathy for you as a person, maybe they will understand that this is something you need and should have. Could it be worth a try?
Yes, definitely. Knowing my husband, there would not be an issue as he is very supportive of what I want. Maybe too much as he tends to be more easy going than I am. I tend to have stronger opinions on things and he is usually happy to go along. Not that he is a push over, but he is just happy to try most things. So, it really is just back to my own headspace…. I do think I can do it without the guilt, maybe not right at this moment but sooooon!
Stella, it sounds like you have done the warm-up exercises already! I am also a middle-aged woman with a husband and teenaged son— and a veteran solo traveler since I was a teenager. My husband has always been supportive of my wanderings and I certainly know that I am a better parent and better partner because my two guys never try to fence me in.
However, there is another type of pressure, and maybe this is something you feel: most societies do not know what to make of married women traveling alone just because they feel like it. I don’t know many times we have both had to answer the question “is everything ok between you two…?”
And mothers don’t just leave their kids with their husbands!— even when the kids are old enough to manage a lot themselves. Which is silly. (Neither of us got a parent’s license! We are equally capable of caring for our child!)
Chin up, Stella: I am sure that you will find your way to explore on your own! I’m rooting for you!
Do you think that your husband would be suffering such angst were he to be contemplating a solo trip? Of course not. Then why should you? Just go!
I was thinking the same thing.
Every point in this essay resonates with me and articulates so well the joys of solo traveling. When I'm sometimes asked why I travel alone, I use to reply, "well... there are pluses and minuses of all styles of travel." I still think this is true to a large extent, however the more I travel solo the greater joy I find in it.
I'm so glad you get it, Sienna. The way I see it, there is no need to apologize. Solo travel is so fulfilling that it really shouldn't need to be defended. But it's hard to convey to those who haven't tried it.