I wanted to leave one more comment since this whole question of “finding one’s tribe” is very much on my mind. Jung talks about the “unlived life of the parent” as a key influence on children. I believe my father’s loss of family and country during WW2 helps explain my inability to put down roots. Although I grew up in the US, my dad never assimilated. He always longed to “go home” to Germany. Of course he could not, because the East Prussia he’d known and loved as a child was gone. His bitterness and isolation - his “unlived life” - had a profound
impact on me. I never felt like an American. How could I? He literally raised me to be anti-American, in terms of culture, lifestyle, attitudes, art and literature, politics - even the food we ate and clothes I wore! But, growing up in the US, I wasn’t a European either. So I have been stuck in a kind of limbo of “not belonging” my whole life. After many stints of living in Europe, I think I’ve reached an acceptance that this issue will never be resolved for me. I will never have “roots” in any literal sense. It’s too late for that. But life will go on!
I related to this post! All my life I have not had words to describe the feeling of searching, never quite belonging, and imagining with great excitement and joy the possibilities of a new place and a new life. Always around the bend. My young self was proud of what seemed like an adventurous spirit. My middle aged self saw it more as a curse of loneliness. Now I am 66, and I think this spirit of seeking and longing is mostly a gift. Never easy, this “standing apart” can be a force for insight and creativity. So, I say, lean into it!
What you wrote gave me a better understanding of myself than I think years of therapy ever could. I nodded the whole way through. I grew up with a pretty unstable chaotic childhood—moved constantly (sometimes 3 times in a single year)—and nowhere ever really felt like home.
Now, as an adult, I wrestle with never truly feeling settled or at home anywhere. I didn’t feel safe growing up, didn’t feel connected, and didn’t have the space or resources to explore what I was curious about. And I’m starting to realize that might be why I’m so drawn to travel now and live in other countries. I get to connect with people, often in places that feel safer than here, and explore the things I love, like getting lost in old cities and soaking up history and architecture.
You made some (okay, a lot of) great points and asked questions I’m assigning myself as homework. Bookmarking this one.
Wow, thank _you_, Brandi, for sharing all that. If my piece caused you to reflect or gave you some insights, then it has absolutely served its purpose, and I can be very happy with it. I'm sorry to hear that things have been so chaotic and so hard for you. I hope that you have a bit more stability now.
And you know, your comment makes me think that perhaps those of us who had less stability as children in the US feel drawn to Europe in part because of the sense of stability that it offers: the ancient cities, the solid buildings, the traditions and the rituals. Life somehow feels a bit less fragile, less under threat, here than it does back home. I don't know if you get that feeling, too.
Yes, I’m right there with you. I totally get the draw to Europe for all those reasons. There’s a sense of safety and stability that’s hard to find here. The overall environment just feels better.
I think if you enjoyed Four Thousand Weeks its definitely worth picking up. We're actually going to see him at the Hay Festival soon - I'm looking forward to it!
Hi Gregory, Love this piece and how you started by reframing the experience of FOMO to FONBITRP! Can definitely relate. Amazing how you returned to Lisbon as well- the answer at the beginning of your story.
As an expat ponderer (I don't know how long my time in USA will be) your piece gave me a lot to think about. How can a new space feel like home? It may be, as you suggested when your state of mind harmonizes with sense of place and the place itself. Peaceful, centered, nurturing, and inspiring us to be our best selves.
"The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek."- Joseph Campbell
Hi David! I'm glad that the piece gave you some things to think about. If so, it's doing its job. Finding home elsewhere (which incidentally is the name of another Substack, which I enjoy) is incredibly challenging. My current take on it is, as I tried to express here, that the real estate search is as much internal as external. I wish everybody could have a good realtor and a good therapist. 😁 (And yes to Joseph Campbell!)
I loved this piece. And eerily I felt like I was reading a piece about myself. Born in a very small town in rural Saskatchewan (that’s in Canadian prairies 😂), I was itching to flee to some more exciting place. But the FOMO got me every time. I never stopped feeling like where I started meant I had to make up for the experience I missed out on in my youth. Across Canada, the US & London I worked, I traveled for work and play to dozens of countries each time saying “I could/should live here”. Then I burnt out. I stripped life back and spent 6 months looking for home. I’ve recently landed in Tokyo. And while it is not perfect, I am more contented and happy knowing that this is all I need. Not the city, or the country. I’m sure my address will change again. What this is then.. is good coffee and sunshine and to watch the crazy world go by.
I hear you, Stephanie. At some point, we have to focus our eyes a bit closer and make sure that what we have in our immediate environment is sustaining us—and that includes the ways in which we think, right? Sometimes I feel like I want to do van life without the van—in the sense of being self-contained and self-sufficient in a way that would allow me to go anywhere and know that I would be content.
Hi there Gregory! Oh, I know this tension all too well. Adventure tugs you forward, but a piece of your heart is always trying to drag you back to the familiar. It’s both the best and hardest part of living elsewhere. I’ll look forward to reading more!
Thank you for this very thoughtful piece. I think most of us have a variation of this dilemma. I spent 25 years in the Navy, moving every year or two. I came to believe that if you can get 80% of what you want... take it. I enjoyed most of the places I lived, learning a lot about the world and its peoples. My wife had a different experience that led to the same philosophy. She was born and raised in Germany, came to the U.S. to study, and then stayed. Although we have enjoyed both her countries very much, she has always felt between worlds: when in America, she feels German; when in Germany, she feels American. So, neither of us has a permanent home. That is sometimes difficult, but we have gained far more than we've lost.
Thank you, Paul! You raise such good points. I like the 80% rule very much—very pragmatic. And yes, I know exactly how your wife feels. For years, I said I felt like an American when in Sweden but a Swede when in America. For some, not fitting in is inevitable. But I'm not sure that's necessarily such a loss. As you say, we gain more than we lose.
So many thought-provoking questions in this one, and I'm still trying to figure out where home is/was/will be - past/present/future all wrapped into one. I'm 48 and I don't think I've hit the self-acceptance stage yet either, other than to accept that I have no idea how I ended up in such a damn pickle!
These are the three questions that I could ponder for ages and never come up with an answer:
Are there things we can escape, and others that we can’t?
Is there really a place that is inherently right for a given person?
Is home something we find, or something we create… or both?
Well, Daniel, all I can say is, I hope you can feel some fellowship in having the same questions as me. I hope that with time, things will make themselves clearer.
Malibu and Ginger Ale, yeah. Some friends and I wanted to invent a new drink, and we thought that would be cool. I don't recall it being very good. We were young.
Such a timely (timeless?) piece. My husband and I are currently trying to decide whether with the shifting values and trajectory of our nation, and the decline of the city where we've lived for 30+ years, it is time to leave "home," or whether it's time to dig in and try to make it better. The place feels uncomfortable -- I definitely love European living/values much more-- but this is where "our people" are -- what to do? What to do?
Yes, Kaarin, that is the question so many people in the US are asking themselves right now. I’ve written many posts trying to help with that question—you’ve probably seen them already. Apart from that, I have nothing to say. There are other good Substacks discussing this, though. The Long Memo and Borderless Living (both by the same author) present interesting discussions of this quandary.
Very good piece. Spot on regarding working on your self. You can never escape your self, no matter how far you go.
I lived in Asia, Singapore for five years with my ex husband. It was pretty dreadful despite all kinds of material conveniences. But also incredibly educational. I learnt that I am so European and I belong in Europe. That’s my home and that’s a pretty wide definition
Sweden is what it is. An extreme place in many respects. Everyone is obsessed with "equality” and everyone is alone.
My dream life is spending the winter in Vienna - Central Europe - they have more fun there during winter than in Sweden… And then the summer in the Stockholm archipelago. I live near it already so getting there… All the best!
Thank you, Andrea. It's good to know where you belong. (Though yes, Europe is a very broad target.) I agree that Vienna is lovely (though I prefer the winter weather down here), and of course the skärgård is magical in the summer. I try to get back to Stockholm every year if I can.
Great post, Gregory, and thanks for the shout out! The consensus on my discussion thread about what makes a house a home seemed to be that home is less a place and more a feeling. It's about the emotions it evokes.
To me, I think of home as an extension of ourselves. It's the dwelling that's been lovingly made in our image with our imagination. But home as a physical space is very important to me, less so to others.
Thanks, Kaila! I think I tend to agree with your readers about home being at least as much internal as external. If it's the other way around for you, might that go some way toward explaining why you had such a hard time in Valencia recently? Just a thought.
Your trajectory of finding home leading up to the closer alignment between the external and internal home has some stark similarities with mine. I wonder how much of that emotional homelessness is related to the Enneagram 4 🤔🤪
Oh, Lily, I didn't write about that, but I promise you I was thinking about it! There is a certain personality type that lends itself to a feeling of "outsider status", for sure.
Gregory what a beautiful and thoughtful piece, I found myself resonating with so much of it especially with ‘I am centered in myself.’ I have arrived there too and it is my forever home. And yet I totally understand the searching for home you describe here, which is true for me as well: ‘With hindsight, I realize that I yearned desperately for belonging, but didn’t know quite how or where to find it. I simply had a vague sense that if I kept looking, I would find a place that would say “home” to me.’ I think Barcelona feels more like it will be the physical home of my forever home because I’ve finally arrived home to myself. There’s no sense of urgency that I have to discover everything about the city or make it mine or be ‘known’ or have a full and thriving social life. I am the center. The city orbits around me. And I’ll never be lost because I’m found.
Thank you for your kind review, Amy. I am glad that you have made it to the level of "radical self-acceptance" that enables you to be in Barcelona, or perhaps anywhere else, without feeling that your happiness depends on what is happening around you.
Though, that said, Barcelona is pretty amazing. I miss the calçots at this time of year!
Wow - I've never read a piece that actually named the same fear I have had. I agree - it's a sense inside of yourself, and yet, being in a place with ingredients for personal happiness sure does help. I love feeling at home in Lisbon. Thanks so much for writing this.
Thank you, Janelle! I'm glad that you saw something here that you recognized. That was the idea behind writing it, so maybe it's working. And I'm glad that you also feel at home in Lisbon!
I wanted to leave one more comment since this whole question of “finding one’s tribe” is very much on my mind. Jung talks about the “unlived life of the parent” as a key influence on children. I believe my father’s loss of family and country during WW2 helps explain my inability to put down roots. Although I grew up in the US, my dad never assimilated. He always longed to “go home” to Germany. Of course he could not, because the East Prussia he’d known and loved as a child was gone. His bitterness and isolation - his “unlived life” - had a profound
impact on me. I never felt like an American. How could I? He literally raised me to be anti-American, in terms of culture, lifestyle, attitudes, art and literature, politics - even the food we ate and clothes I wore! But, growing up in the US, I wasn’t a European either. So I have been stuck in a kind of limbo of “not belonging” my whole life. After many stints of living in Europe, I think I’ve reached an acceptance that this issue will never be resolved for me. I will never have “roots” in any literal sense. It’s too late for that. But life will go on!
I related to this post! All my life I have not had words to describe the feeling of searching, never quite belonging, and imagining with great excitement and joy the possibilities of a new place and a new life. Always around the bend. My young self was proud of what seemed like an adventurous spirit. My middle aged self saw it more as a curse of loneliness. Now I am 66, and I think this spirit of seeking and longing is mostly a gift. Never easy, this “standing apart” can be a force for insight and creativity. So, I say, lean into it!
What you wrote gave me a better understanding of myself than I think years of therapy ever could. I nodded the whole way through. I grew up with a pretty unstable chaotic childhood—moved constantly (sometimes 3 times in a single year)—and nowhere ever really felt like home.
Now, as an adult, I wrestle with never truly feeling settled or at home anywhere. I didn’t feel safe growing up, didn’t feel connected, and didn’t have the space or resources to explore what I was curious about. And I’m starting to realize that might be why I’m so drawn to travel now and live in other countries. I get to connect with people, often in places that feel safer than here, and explore the things I love, like getting lost in old cities and soaking up history and architecture.
You made some (okay, a lot of) great points and asked questions I’m assigning myself as homework. Bookmarking this one.
Thank you. Really.
Wow, thank _you_, Brandi, for sharing all that. If my piece caused you to reflect or gave you some insights, then it has absolutely served its purpose, and I can be very happy with it. I'm sorry to hear that things have been so chaotic and so hard for you. I hope that you have a bit more stability now.
And you know, your comment makes me think that perhaps those of us who had less stability as children in the US feel drawn to Europe in part because of the sense of stability that it offers: the ancient cities, the solid buildings, the traditions and the rituals. Life somehow feels a bit less fragile, less under threat, here than it does back home. I don't know if you get that feeling, too.
Yes, I’m right there with you. I totally get the draw to Europe for all those reasons. There’s a sense of safety and stability that’s hard to find here. The overall environment just feels better.
Really interesting piece - have you read Oliver Burkeman’s Meditations For Mortals? Definitely resonates.
Thanks, Louise! I have read Burkeman’s “Four Thousand Weeks” (and liked it), but not “Meditations for Mortals”. Do you think I should?
I think if you enjoyed Four Thousand Weeks its definitely worth picking up. We're actually going to see him at the Hay Festival soon - I'm looking forward to it!
Hi Gregory, Love this piece and how you started by reframing the experience of FOMO to FONBITRP! Can definitely relate. Amazing how you returned to Lisbon as well- the answer at the beginning of your story.
As an expat ponderer (I don't know how long my time in USA will be) your piece gave me a lot to think about. How can a new space feel like home? It may be, as you suggested when your state of mind harmonizes with sense of place and the place itself. Peaceful, centered, nurturing, and inspiring us to be our best selves.
"The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek."- Joseph Campbell
-David in Los Angeles
Hi David! I'm glad that the piece gave you some things to think about. If so, it's doing its job. Finding home elsewhere (which incidentally is the name of another Substack, which I enjoy) is incredibly challenging. My current take on it is, as I tried to express here, that the real estate search is as much internal as external. I wish everybody could have a good realtor and a good therapist. 😁 (And yes to Joseph Campbell!)
I loved this piece. And eerily I felt like I was reading a piece about myself. Born in a very small town in rural Saskatchewan (that’s in Canadian prairies 😂), I was itching to flee to some more exciting place. But the FOMO got me every time. I never stopped feeling like where I started meant I had to make up for the experience I missed out on in my youth. Across Canada, the US & London I worked, I traveled for work and play to dozens of countries each time saying “I could/should live here”. Then I burnt out. I stripped life back and spent 6 months looking for home. I’ve recently landed in Tokyo. And while it is not perfect, I am more contented and happy knowing that this is all I need. Not the city, or the country. I’m sure my address will change again. What this is then.. is good coffee and sunshine and to watch the crazy world go by.
I hear you, Stephanie. At some point, we have to focus our eyes a bit closer and make sure that what we have in our immediate environment is sustaining us—and that includes the ways in which we think, right? Sometimes I feel like I want to do van life without the van—in the sense of being self-contained and self-sufficient in a way that would allow me to go anywhere and know that I would be content.
Hi there Gregory! Oh, I know this tension all too well. Adventure tugs you forward, but a piece of your heart is always trying to drag you back to the familiar. It’s both the best and hardest part of living elsewhere. I’ll look forward to reading more!
Thank you, Jenny! I keep writing my way around these dilemmas, so I hope you will find more things that speak to you here.
You can count on it!
Thank you for this very thoughtful piece. I think most of us have a variation of this dilemma. I spent 25 years in the Navy, moving every year or two. I came to believe that if you can get 80% of what you want... take it. I enjoyed most of the places I lived, learning a lot about the world and its peoples. My wife had a different experience that led to the same philosophy. She was born and raised in Germany, came to the U.S. to study, and then stayed. Although we have enjoyed both her countries very much, she has always felt between worlds: when in America, she feels German; when in Germany, she feels American. So, neither of us has a permanent home. That is sometimes difficult, but we have gained far more than we've lost.
Thank you, Paul! You raise such good points. I like the 80% rule very much—very pragmatic. And yes, I know exactly how your wife feels. For years, I said I felt like an American when in Sweden but a Swede when in America. For some, not fitting in is inevitable. But I'm not sure that's necessarily such a loss. As you say, we gain more than we lose.
So many thought-provoking questions in this one, and I'm still trying to figure out where home is/was/will be - past/present/future all wrapped into one. I'm 48 and I don't think I've hit the self-acceptance stage yet either, other than to accept that I have no idea how I ended up in such a damn pickle!
These are the three questions that I could ponder for ages and never come up with an answer:
Are there things we can escape, and others that we can’t?
Is there really a place that is inherently right for a given person?
Is home something we find, or something we create… or both?
What's with the Malibu and Ginger Ale? 😂
Well, Daniel, all I can say is, I hope you can feel some fellowship in having the same questions as me. I hope that with time, things will make themselves clearer.
Malibu and Ginger Ale, yeah. Some friends and I wanted to invent a new drink, and we thought that would be cool. I don't recall it being very good. We were young.
Such a timely (timeless?) piece. My husband and I are currently trying to decide whether with the shifting values and trajectory of our nation, and the decline of the city where we've lived for 30+ years, it is time to leave "home," or whether it's time to dig in and try to make it better. The place feels uncomfortable -- I definitely love European living/values much more-- but this is where "our people" are -- what to do? What to do?
Yes, Kaarin, that is the question so many people in the US are asking themselves right now. I’ve written many posts trying to help with that question—you’ve probably seen them already. Apart from that, I have nothing to say. There are other good Substacks discussing this, though. The Long Memo and Borderless Living (both by the same author) present interesting discussions of this quandary.
Very good piece. Spot on regarding working on your self. You can never escape your self, no matter how far you go.
I lived in Asia, Singapore for five years with my ex husband. It was pretty dreadful despite all kinds of material conveniences. But also incredibly educational. I learnt that I am so European and I belong in Europe. That’s my home and that’s a pretty wide definition
Sweden is what it is. An extreme place in many respects. Everyone is obsessed with "equality” and everyone is alone.
My dream life is spending the winter in Vienna - Central Europe - they have more fun there during winter than in Sweden… And then the summer in the Stockholm archipelago. I live near it already so getting there… All the best!
Thank you, Andrea. It's good to know where you belong. (Though yes, Europe is a very broad target.) I agree that Vienna is lovely (though I prefer the winter weather down here), and of course the skärgård is magical in the summer. I try to get back to Stockholm every year if I can.
Andrea, I've lived in Stockholm for five years. The skärgården are the best!!!
Great post, Gregory, and thanks for the shout out! The consensus on my discussion thread about what makes a house a home seemed to be that home is less a place and more a feeling. It's about the emotions it evokes.
To me, I think of home as an extension of ourselves. It's the dwelling that's been lovingly made in our image with our imagination. But home as a physical space is very important to me, less so to others.
Thanks, Kaila! I think I tend to agree with your readers about home being at least as much internal as external. If it's the other way around for you, might that go some way toward explaining why you had such a hard time in Valencia recently? Just a thought.
Absolutely a big reason!
Your trajectory of finding home leading up to the closer alignment between the external and internal home has some stark similarities with mine. I wonder how much of that emotional homelessness is related to the Enneagram 4 🤔🤪
Oh, Lily, I didn't write about that, but I promise you I was thinking about it! There is a certain personality type that lends itself to a feeling of "outsider status", for sure.
Do you know the poetry of David Whyte and his book The House of Belonging? Among my favorites.
I don't! Perhaps I will go out and find it. Thanks for the tip!
Gregory what a beautiful and thoughtful piece, I found myself resonating with so much of it especially with ‘I am centered in myself.’ I have arrived there too and it is my forever home. And yet I totally understand the searching for home you describe here, which is true for me as well: ‘With hindsight, I realize that I yearned desperately for belonging, but didn’t know quite how or where to find it. I simply had a vague sense that if I kept looking, I would find a place that would say “home” to me.’ I think Barcelona feels more like it will be the physical home of my forever home because I’ve finally arrived home to myself. There’s no sense of urgency that I have to discover everything about the city or make it mine or be ‘known’ or have a full and thriving social life. I am the center. The city orbits around me. And I’ll never be lost because I’m found.
Thank you for your kind review, Amy. I am glad that you have made it to the level of "radical self-acceptance" that enables you to be in Barcelona, or perhaps anywhere else, without feeling that your happiness depends on what is happening around you.
Though, that said, Barcelona is pretty amazing. I miss the calçots at this time of year!
"I'll never be lost because I'm found." I love this for you, Amy!
Wow - I've never read a piece that actually named the same fear I have had. I agree - it's a sense inside of yourself, and yet, being in a place with ingredients for personal happiness sure does help. I love feeling at home in Lisbon. Thanks so much for writing this.
Thank you, Janelle! I'm glad that you saw something here that you recognized. That was the idea behind writing it, so maybe it's working. And I'm glad that you also feel at home in Lisbon!