I lived in Madrid in my late 20s and have explored a good stretch of the world, and this is all so spot on. You put into words what I’ve never quite been able to. Living and traveling abroad changed me in ways I still struggle to explain to friends and family. I wouldn't be who I am today if I hadn’t stepped outside my old bubble. And truthfully, I miss living in Europe more than most people could ever understand.
Hi Gregory! I do enjoy your Sustack. You raise great issues about life abroad. Just curious about your stay in Sweden: What exactly was it that led you to feel that you can't live here? And you don't have to be polite. :-)
I was born here but I have Slovakian background + many years spent abroad in Europe + Asia, and I too am starting to feel that my last 10 years here already is a bit too much. I have a child so I cannot just leave, though.
Curious to hear if your reasons/feelings about Sweden in particular are the same as mine. Many thanks :-)
Thank you, Andrea. I try not to fill my Substack with negative comments about Sweden (I have spoken more freely in the interviews I've done, I think), but since you ask why I left Sweden, I will try to give a concise answer.
There are certain things that I really like about Sweden, such as the idealism and honesty of the people there. I like the dedication to fairness (even if it doesn't always quite work) and the belief in a welfare state in which everyone is taken care of. I like the fact that Swedes take their work very seriously and have created a country in which everything works pretty much as intended (if you are inclined to disagree, you have not lived in Portugal. Or Italy.) So on one side of the scales, we have all that.
On the other side are the social aspects of Swedish culture. I find that due to a combination of climate, the deep agrarian roots of the society, and the still-pervasive influence of Lutheranism, Swedes are a very socially closed people. Most people who have grown up there have a very small circle of friends that they have no interest in expanding—and if they did, it would not be to include foreigners.
Although it's not so directly relevant to a white guy like me, there is also the aspect of racism; Swedes will shout from the rooftops that they are not racist, but at the end of the day, they will cross the street to avoid someone who looks different. Ask anyone with dark skin in Sweden.
The compulsive homogeneity of "traditional" Swedish culture (which is the force behind 20.5% of votes going to Sverigedemokraterna) is extremely othering to anyone who comes from without. Even though I speak excellent Swedish and worked for the Swedish state, I never had any real chance of being accepted. I am a person who forms friendships very easily, but I have probably only seven or so Swedish friends to show for my 15+ years of association with the country.
Now, you might say that having seven friends is a lot, so why complain? This brings me to my final point. Most of these "friends" are perfectly content to see me two or three times a year, and to have a conversation in which nothing very personal or controversial is discussed. In other words, they enforce a sort of "Friendship Lite" that I find does not contain the calories I require to sustain myself.
Plus, it's damned dark in the winter. Let's be honest about that.
So those are some of my reasons. There are others, but this is already a lot. I hope this helps to answer your question, Andrea.
Haha, I recognise everything. The ideological idealism is sometimes in stark contrast to the reality. This country has experienced huge changes that have happened during a very short period of time and are, I'd argue, simply not suited to the temperament of the people, I would argue. Reality proves that.
Just like you say, the social closeness is quite extreme compared to, I'd say, all other European countries. There is no real "umgängeskultur", not among Swedes themselves either. I'd say that Swedes have also lost touch with their own roots and lost the values that tie a people together - hence the extreme state individualism.
The nature is fantastic and things work well compared to Italy, totally agree. But there are other countries, such as for example Central Europe, where you have that + a more social culture as well. Well said about the friendship lite haha... I'd say close relationships as well as family are simply not valued here in the same way as in continental Europe.
Wow. Thank you for this essay. It made me yearn for my time abroad, but I also appreciated that I came home. I left the US in my mid-20s, right at the start of my career as a High School English teacher, spurred on by a coworker who had taught in Italy. So, I set my sights on a job in Western Europe but ended up in Ecuador and eventually India, as well as the Gulf (Bahrain and the UAE). The collective experience opened my mind and gave me the ability to accept and even appreciate ambiguity in my life. I arrived in Ecuador without speaking a word of Spanish, but my world grew bigger every day with a deeper understanding of the language and culture. I will never forget when I fully understood a conversation I had been eavesdropping on or when I finally understood jokes. Living in another culture is a process of absorption. I'm still a teacher in the US now, and I always make the case to my graduating seniors for travel abroad. I fully believe the US would be more tolerant and gentler if we all had lived outside of it for a spell.
Thanks for sharing this, Michelle! It’s good to hear that there are teachers actively encouraging young people in the US to go abroad and discover the world. I like your point about learning to appreciate ambiguity in life. That’s an important lesson, isn’t it?
Absolutely! Tolerance for ambiguity fosters humility, the best mindset for understanding cultural differences. When I first moved to Bahrain, the cultural felt completely opaque. How was I supposed to learn, understand, and or even appreciate one so opposite of my own? It took time, patience, and lots of mistakes, but above all, an open mind and a willingness to learn. It helped that the people of Bahrain the most gracious and beautiful I've ever experienced. I've just discovered your Substack and am excited to read through your experiences! Take a look at mine, if you get a chance. I have just posted an excerpt from my memoir, which I plan to develop into a series titled Henna Heart. This series addresses many of the themes explored in this essay.
If I had done something like this when I lived abroad I may have never returned. What a great way to share, but also process your experiences—and combat the loneliness that can creep in.
I loved everything about this post! It also crosses my path as I work to plan my own emigration. I will retire from corporate America this year. As I sit in the house you are supposed to work so hard to achieve, and surrounded by possessions that are supposed to make you feel accomplished, I find myself unable to connect to the purpose of it all. I long to disconnect and trade it all in for adventure. Even now, I am researching how to accomplish the Camino de Santiago pilgrimage and, while there, call Spain or Portugal home. Thank you for this thoughtful article.
I'm so glad that this piece resonated with you, Brian! I can really sympathize with your ambivalence about the things we are _supposed_ to want. The Camino de Santiago sounds like a great experience! My advice would be to separate that experience from looking for a new home, as you might want to live in a different part of Spain/Portugal, or even somewhere else. Best of luck!
Thanks much! This trip will be dedicated to discovery. After the Camino, I will take time to travel through Spain and Portugal to get a feel for each area. My focus is on Spain’s Costa Blanca. I also believe the Spanish language is easier to learn. Once I find a fit, I will rent for a year and continue my search before I purchase, or just become a nomad. So many possibilities.
I looooooove this article. It's one of those that feels like the thoughts inside my head were transferred to you, -who is able to write them down in a beautiful way. I bet it has helped many understand the ups and downs of it all. For a few years I've been testing living abroad, a month here and there. In a few weeks I leave the States for an indeterminate amount of time. It's a calling to some for sure. Thank you, I look forward to reading more of your work
I think that a sense of place and personal history can vary within the US. I grew up in Massachusetts where, when my father retired after 32 years on the fire department, it was the first time in 86 years that there was not someone from my family on the fire department. There were still some on the police department. The city has history and I have personal history there.
I moved to San Diego and found that there was no sense of place. It was rare to meet someone who was from there. A friend captured it perfectly in saying on the east coast where 100 miles is far an on the west coast where 100 years is old.
Those of us who grew up with a strong sense of place are lucky. I felt a significant culture shock when I went to a selective small, liberal arts, New England college being a first gen kid. For the first time, I was able to see the culture in which I was raised, and it was only a 90 minute car ride away. And it was a good thing that has made me continue to search for new experiences throughout my life.
Great article. I think you captured everything wonderfully. I do wonder if my fear of connected walls has more to do with inconsiderate people, than the desire of owning a home.
In Italy where my family lives (Grumo Appula, Bari) the homes are very close together and the doors are always open (ajar, not unlocked) - I've never once heard a war movie on volume 11 with the sub-woofer shaking everything off the neighbors' walls - or Metallica blaring like the band is playing live in the neighbors back yard. All things I experienced as an apartment dweller.
Things are different in Europe -- good, bad or indifferent. Because I wasn't (am still not) a fluent Italian speaker, it was always so stressful trying to get around, talk to my family (they don't speak English), order food or answer someone who asked me questions on the street. Like you said, there was a time where going to the grocery store was a win for you.
Of course being back in NYC there's still stress - like KNOWING what people are saying and god forbid have them come up to me on the street -- they usually don't have a question...
I moved across the country from one coast to the other and you can still lose touch with everything and every one -- I do try to stay in touch and visit at least once a year.
The grass is definitely not always greener when you move anywhere - but sometimes you just need a new lawn.
Very nice observations, Renee! Thanks for sharing your own story. It's true: You can never fully escape stress (or noise, for the most part). I have spent time in the Swedish countryside, which seemed incredibly peaceful until the neighbors' dogs started barking, the chainsaws started up, and the foresting machines started tearing up the forest.
I really believe that you should live somewhere where you can have a lifestyle that you enjoy. If that's a small town in Puglia where you have to speak Italian, great. If that's NYC where you have to deal with people coming up to you on the subway, great. If that's the San Juan islands where you have to take a boat for half an hour to go shopping, great. It's all about finding the trade-offs that you're comfortable with. And we're all different in what we like.
To tie this in with the point of the article, trying different lifestyles helps us in two ways: It helps us to think more clearly about what we really like and how we want to live, and it helps us develop as people, learning to be more adaptable and more attuned to the different ways of doing things in the world.
Couldn't agree more. Finding that perfect balance between quiet solitude and lonely desolation... And especially this, "trying different lifestyles helps us in two ways: It helps us to think more clearly about what we really like and how we want to live, and it helps us develop as people, learning to be more adaptable and more attuned to the different ways of doing things in the world." :)
A year in Vienna as an undergraduate and all the ensuing travel prepared me for a longterm relationship with my Italian sweetheart. My friends still think it’s like a fairy tale but to me it’s a perfectly logical progression.
A good read! This post really verbalized my motivations for a study abroad semester. I'll save this in my back pocket for when I look to study abroad in three years...
But in seriousness, I really would like to study abroad. I am a current first year university student. I already understand that my experiences are a bubble.
Growing up in the same town for a majority of my life, even the transition to college has me confronting the fact that my peers and I are so different now. None of the high school cohesiveness. I knew this would happen before moving out to college, but to experience it is a different matter entirely.
I appreciate your discussion about the downsides and connecting that to identity as well. I think that's what I've been feeling these last few months -- trying to put down my roots on this campus, in this new environment. It isn't a perspective I've heard talking to people about studying abroad (though I'll admit, I haven't talked to many people about it).
I know you said to aim for a year+ of study abroad, but I'll likely only be able to do a semester. Hopefully spring or fall of my junior year.
Nice to hear from you, Ina! I definitely relate to the difficulty of finding yourself on a new campus, surrounded by people who you don't know and who seem different (and maybe intimidating). It can be very disorienting. I hope you will be able to find your own group of people—people who you share interests and values with.
As for studying abroad, I do recommend one year, as I think it makes a qualitative difference, but hey, if you can only do one semester, that's a thousand times better than nothing! I hope you will have as enriching an experience as I did.
Absolutely loved this, and it resonated on so many levels. I’m an Australian who’s lived in the US for more than twenty years. I couldn’t wait to move here - I ran toward America and away from home in equal measure. But it’s definitely become increasingly difficult to reconcile life in America - and general societal expectations of what that should look like - with a life that’s actually happy. I just have an inkling that all these countries that have engaged with the question of what really matters for far longer than the US or Australia may know a thing or 1,000 that we don’t. Thanks again!
Thank you very much, Luke! You are right to point out that the cultures of the US and Australia, even though they might seem old at 200-400 years, are far younger than those of many other countries. That raises the fascinating question of how long culture survives, and how often it changes, which is a big one!
I left the Philippines right after high school, emigrated to America with my family, then ended up living Latin America, Asia and Europe. I am perhaps an extreme expat, having accumulated several languages, friends, and experiences along the way. Everything you have said about the discomfort of moving to another country, is true, particularly if you have to learn a new language. Oh, the endless opportunities to make a complete fool of yourself in public! Yet you do grow in these virtues: patience and humility. In a way, you become a child again. The place you feel most at home is not necessarily the place you originally came from. What you value determines where you are most happy. I love places with a really long history, with walkable communities, old churches, so I chose to live in Europe, a continent with different languages and cultures, an endlessly fascinating place to travel, without jet lag or 10 hour flights.
I’m really glad that this essay resonated with you, Esme! I agree that what you value determines where you are happiest. It looks like you and I both value the things that Europe provides. I find it an easy place to be happy. (Though, I hasten to add, not all the time!)
Reading this has made me think. I moved from Chicago-area to a small city near Amsterdam almost 30 years ago - it will be 30 years in July 2025. I spent the three years previous to moving working on both places about equal amounts of time, and realised that for a lot of cultural reasons, I felt more comfortable moving to the Netherlands and working as a single mom here — 30 years on, my son lives in the US and so do my granddaughters, and thankfully technology improvements have brought the ability to do video calls with ease, and that makes up for not wanting to spend days flying up and back. Yes, a hug would be nice, but in 10 seconds i can have everyone on a call — and that works for me. I agree with how I look at life has changed immeasurably by living here, with the social support, the balance of home and work and the fact that good enough is just fine. I can walk to all the important places, I am about to retire and live in a tiny income without too much of a problem. Yes, I’m glad it did it. But I know folks who have come over and could not wait until they could return back to the US. Not everyone is cut out to absorb and melt into a new culture.
Sharon, I'm so interested to hear your story of 30-plus years as an immigrant to the Netherlands. It is very heartening that you are happy you moved. And of course there will be others who tried it and decided that it wasn't for them—I am sort of trying to help people avoid falling into that category. Interesting that your son chose to move to the US—I would love to hear that story. So you really are stretched between two continents, I guess. I hope you are happy with how things have worked out.
This piece is sooo good. What’s the Mark Twain quote about travel curing bigotry and other ails?
Anything that makes us see how small a speck we are in the grand scheme, how both adaptable and silly we can be at once, how many options there are for being and communing is a gift. And travel is my favorite thus far.
Have spent a few months here or there and countries not my own. This piece is one among many things that cements my goal to one day be an expat. Thank you.
Wholeheartedly: “The experience of living abroad has changed me in fundamental ways that I would not trade for anything.”
Thanks for sharing. It's been circuitous and toll laden for me, but I can't reverse engineer the basic American dream in me if I try. I have tried, it feels incompatible with what I want at this point.
I lived in Madrid in my late 20s and have explored a good stretch of the world, and this is all so spot on. You put into words what I’ve never quite been able to. Living and traveling abroad changed me in ways I still struggle to explain to friends and family. I wouldn't be who I am today if I hadn’t stepped outside my old bubble. And truthfully, I miss living in Europe more than most people could ever understand.
Hi Gregory! I do enjoy your Sustack. You raise great issues about life abroad. Just curious about your stay in Sweden: What exactly was it that led you to feel that you can't live here? And you don't have to be polite. :-)
I was born here but I have Slovakian background + many years spent abroad in Europe + Asia, and I too am starting to feel that my last 10 years here already is a bit too much. I have a child so I cannot just leave, though.
Curious to hear if your reasons/feelings about Sweden in particular are the same as mine. Many thanks :-)
Thank you, Andrea. I try not to fill my Substack with negative comments about Sweden (I have spoken more freely in the interviews I've done, I think), but since you ask why I left Sweden, I will try to give a concise answer.
There are certain things that I really like about Sweden, such as the idealism and honesty of the people there. I like the dedication to fairness (even if it doesn't always quite work) and the belief in a welfare state in which everyone is taken care of. I like the fact that Swedes take their work very seriously and have created a country in which everything works pretty much as intended (if you are inclined to disagree, you have not lived in Portugal. Or Italy.) So on one side of the scales, we have all that.
On the other side are the social aspects of Swedish culture. I find that due to a combination of climate, the deep agrarian roots of the society, and the still-pervasive influence of Lutheranism, Swedes are a very socially closed people. Most people who have grown up there have a very small circle of friends that they have no interest in expanding—and if they did, it would not be to include foreigners.
Although it's not so directly relevant to a white guy like me, there is also the aspect of racism; Swedes will shout from the rooftops that they are not racist, but at the end of the day, they will cross the street to avoid someone who looks different. Ask anyone with dark skin in Sweden.
The compulsive homogeneity of "traditional" Swedish culture (which is the force behind 20.5% of votes going to Sverigedemokraterna) is extremely othering to anyone who comes from without. Even though I speak excellent Swedish and worked for the Swedish state, I never had any real chance of being accepted. I am a person who forms friendships very easily, but I have probably only seven or so Swedish friends to show for my 15+ years of association with the country.
Now, you might say that having seven friends is a lot, so why complain? This brings me to my final point. Most of these "friends" are perfectly content to see me two or three times a year, and to have a conversation in which nothing very personal or controversial is discussed. In other words, they enforce a sort of "Friendship Lite" that I find does not contain the calories I require to sustain myself.
Plus, it's damned dark in the winter. Let's be honest about that.
So those are some of my reasons. There are others, but this is already a lot. I hope this helps to answer your question, Andrea.
Haha, I recognise everything. The ideological idealism is sometimes in stark contrast to the reality. This country has experienced huge changes that have happened during a very short period of time and are, I'd argue, simply not suited to the temperament of the people, I would argue. Reality proves that.
Just like you say, the social closeness is quite extreme compared to, I'd say, all other European countries. There is no real "umgängeskultur", not among Swedes themselves either. I'd say that Swedes have also lost touch with their own roots and lost the values that tie a people together - hence the extreme state individualism.
The nature is fantastic and things work well compared to Italy, totally agree. But there are other countries, such as for example Central Europe, where you have that + a more social culture as well. Well said about the friendship lite haha... I'd say close relationships as well as family are simply not valued here in the same way as in continental Europe.
Wow. Thank you for this essay. It made me yearn for my time abroad, but I also appreciated that I came home. I left the US in my mid-20s, right at the start of my career as a High School English teacher, spurred on by a coworker who had taught in Italy. So, I set my sights on a job in Western Europe but ended up in Ecuador and eventually India, as well as the Gulf (Bahrain and the UAE). The collective experience opened my mind and gave me the ability to accept and even appreciate ambiguity in my life. I arrived in Ecuador without speaking a word of Spanish, but my world grew bigger every day with a deeper understanding of the language and culture. I will never forget when I fully understood a conversation I had been eavesdropping on or when I finally understood jokes. Living in another culture is a process of absorption. I'm still a teacher in the US now, and I always make the case to my graduating seniors for travel abroad. I fully believe the US would be more tolerant and gentler if we all had lived outside of it for a spell.
Thanks for sharing this, Michelle! It’s good to hear that there are teachers actively encouraging young people in the US to go abroad and discover the world. I like your point about learning to appreciate ambiguity in life. That’s an important lesson, isn’t it?
Absolutely! Tolerance for ambiguity fosters humility, the best mindset for understanding cultural differences. When I first moved to Bahrain, the cultural felt completely opaque. How was I supposed to learn, understand, and or even appreciate one so opposite of my own? It took time, patience, and lots of mistakes, but above all, an open mind and a willingness to learn. It helped that the people of Bahrain the most gracious and beautiful I've ever experienced. I've just discovered your Substack and am excited to read through your experiences! Take a look at mine, if you get a chance. I have just posted an excerpt from my memoir, which I plan to develop into a series titled Henna Heart. This series addresses many of the themes explored in this essay.
Thanks! I will take a look. Welcome to Living Elsewhere!
I'm excited to be a part of the community!
That’s great to hear! 🥰
If I had done something like this when I lived abroad I may have never returned. What a great way to share, but also process your experiences—and combat the loneliness that can creep in.
I loved everything about this post! It also crosses my path as I work to plan my own emigration. I will retire from corporate America this year. As I sit in the house you are supposed to work so hard to achieve, and surrounded by possessions that are supposed to make you feel accomplished, I find myself unable to connect to the purpose of it all. I long to disconnect and trade it all in for adventure. Even now, I am researching how to accomplish the Camino de Santiago pilgrimage and, while there, call Spain or Portugal home. Thank you for this thoughtful article.
I'm so glad that this piece resonated with you, Brian! I can really sympathize with your ambivalence about the things we are _supposed_ to want. The Camino de Santiago sounds like a great experience! My advice would be to separate that experience from looking for a new home, as you might want to live in a different part of Spain/Portugal, or even somewhere else. Best of luck!
Thanks much! This trip will be dedicated to discovery. After the Camino, I will take time to travel through Spain and Portugal to get a feel for each area. My focus is on Spain’s Costa Blanca. I also believe the Spanish language is easier to learn. Once I find a fit, I will rent for a year and continue my search before I purchase, or just become a nomad. So many possibilities.
Really nice piece! Makes me want to go live abroad again!
Thank you, Jeff! Maybe you should?
Thanks for an insightful article. I forwarded it to our daughters and sons-in-law who all moved from South Africa and now live in Europe
I'm so glad you enjoyed it, Vernon. I hope it will prove thought-provoking for your family as well.
I looooooove this article. It's one of those that feels like the thoughts inside my head were transferred to you, -who is able to write them down in a beautiful way. I bet it has helped many understand the ups and downs of it all. For a few years I've been testing living abroad, a month here and there. In a few weeks I leave the States for an indeterminate amount of time. It's a calling to some for sure. Thank you, I look forward to reading more of your work
Debbie.
I think that a sense of place and personal history can vary within the US. I grew up in Massachusetts where, when my father retired after 32 years on the fire department, it was the first time in 86 years that there was not someone from my family on the fire department. There were still some on the police department. The city has history and I have personal history there.
I moved to San Diego and found that there was no sense of place. It was rare to meet someone who was from there. A friend captured it perfectly in saying on the east coast where 100 miles is far an on the west coast where 100 years is old.
Those of us who grew up with a strong sense of place are lucky. I felt a significant culture shock when I went to a selective small, liberal arts, New England college being a first gen kid. For the first time, I was able to see the culture in which I was raised, and it was only a 90 minute car ride away. And it was a good thing that has made me continue to search for new experiences throughout my life.
Great article. I think you captured everything wonderfully. I do wonder if my fear of connected walls has more to do with inconsiderate people, than the desire of owning a home.
In Italy where my family lives (Grumo Appula, Bari) the homes are very close together and the doors are always open (ajar, not unlocked) - I've never once heard a war movie on volume 11 with the sub-woofer shaking everything off the neighbors' walls - or Metallica blaring like the band is playing live in the neighbors back yard. All things I experienced as an apartment dweller.
Things are different in Europe -- good, bad or indifferent. Because I wasn't (am still not) a fluent Italian speaker, it was always so stressful trying to get around, talk to my family (they don't speak English), order food or answer someone who asked me questions on the street. Like you said, there was a time where going to the grocery store was a win for you.
Of course being back in NYC there's still stress - like KNOWING what people are saying and god forbid have them come up to me on the street -- they usually don't have a question...
I moved across the country from one coast to the other and you can still lose touch with everything and every one -- I do try to stay in touch and visit at least once a year.
The grass is definitely not always greener when you move anywhere - but sometimes you just need a new lawn.
Very nice observations, Renee! Thanks for sharing your own story. It's true: You can never fully escape stress (or noise, for the most part). I have spent time in the Swedish countryside, which seemed incredibly peaceful until the neighbors' dogs started barking, the chainsaws started up, and the foresting machines started tearing up the forest.
I really believe that you should live somewhere where you can have a lifestyle that you enjoy. If that's a small town in Puglia where you have to speak Italian, great. If that's NYC where you have to deal with people coming up to you on the subway, great. If that's the San Juan islands where you have to take a boat for half an hour to go shopping, great. It's all about finding the trade-offs that you're comfortable with. And we're all different in what we like.
To tie this in with the point of the article, trying different lifestyles helps us in two ways: It helps us to think more clearly about what we really like and how we want to live, and it helps us develop as people, learning to be more adaptable and more attuned to the different ways of doing things in the world.
Couldn't agree more. Finding that perfect balance between quiet solitude and lonely desolation... And especially this, "trying different lifestyles helps us in two ways: It helps us to think more clearly about what we really like and how we want to live, and it helps us develop as people, learning to be more adaptable and more attuned to the different ways of doing things in the world." :)
A year in Vienna as an undergraduate and all the ensuing travel prepared me for a longterm relationship with my Italian sweetheart. My friends still think it’s like a fairy tale but to me it’s a perfectly logical progression.
That’s a lovely story, Sarah! And I see what you mean: It seems like a fairy tale to people who can’t imagine actually doing it. But you did!
A good read! This post really verbalized my motivations for a study abroad semester. I'll save this in my back pocket for when I look to study abroad in three years...
But in seriousness, I really would like to study abroad. I am a current first year university student. I already understand that my experiences are a bubble.
Growing up in the same town for a majority of my life, even the transition to college has me confronting the fact that my peers and I are so different now. None of the high school cohesiveness. I knew this would happen before moving out to college, but to experience it is a different matter entirely.
I appreciate your discussion about the downsides and connecting that to identity as well. I think that's what I've been feeling these last few months -- trying to put down my roots on this campus, in this new environment. It isn't a perspective I've heard talking to people about studying abroad (though I'll admit, I haven't talked to many people about it).
I know you said to aim for a year+ of study abroad, but I'll likely only be able to do a semester. Hopefully spring or fall of my junior year.
Nice to hear from you, Ina! I definitely relate to the difficulty of finding yourself on a new campus, surrounded by people who you don't know and who seem different (and maybe intimidating). It can be very disorienting. I hope you will be able to find your own group of people—people who you share interests and values with.
As for studying abroad, I do recommend one year, as I think it makes a qualitative difference, but hey, if you can only do one semester, that's a thousand times better than nothing! I hope you will have as enriching an experience as I did.
Absolutely loved this, and it resonated on so many levels. I’m an Australian who’s lived in the US for more than twenty years. I couldn’t wait to move here - I ran toward America and away from home in equal measure. But it’s definitely become increasingly difficult to reconcile life in America - and general societal expectations of what that should look like - with a life that’s actually happy. I just have an inkling that all these countries that have engaged with the question of what really matters for far longer than the US or Australia may know a thing or 1,000 that we don’t. Thanks again!
Thank you very much, Luke! You are right to point out that the cultures of the US and Australia, even though they might seem old at 200-400 years, are far younger than those of many other countries. That raises the fascinating question of how long culture survives, and how often it changes, which is a big one!
I left the Philippines right after high school, emigrated to America with my family, then ended up living Latin America, Asia and Europe. I am perhaps an extreme expat, having accumulated several languages, friends, and experiences along the way. Everything you have said about the discomfort of moving to another country, is true, particularly if you have to learn a new language. Oh, the endless opportunities to make a complete fool of yourself in public! Yet you do grow in these virtues: patience and humility. In a way, you become a child again. The place you feel most at home is not necessarily the place you originally came from. What you value determines where you are most happy. I love places with a really long history, with walkable communities, old churches, so I chose to live in Europe, a continent with different languages and cultures, an endlessly fascinating place to travel, without jet lag or 10 hour flights.
I’m really glad that this essay resonated with you, Esme! I agree that what you value determines where you are happiest. It looks like you and I both value the things that Europe provides. I find it an easy place to be happy. (Though, I hasten to add, not all the time!)
Reading this has made me think. I moved from Chicago-area to a small city near Amsterdam almost 30 years ago - it will be 30 years in July 2025. I spent the three years previous to moving working on both places about equal amounts of time, and realised that for a lot of cultural reasons, I felt more comfortable moving to the Netherlands and working as a single mom here — 30 years on, my son lives in the US and so do my granddaughters, and thankfully technology improvements have brought the ability to do video calls with ease, and that makes up for not wanting to spend days flying up and back. Yes, a hug would be nice, but in 10 seconds i can have everyone on a call — and that works for me. I agree with how I look at life has changed immeasurably by living here, with the social support, the balance of home and work and the fact that good enough is just fine. I can walk to all the important places, I am about to retire and live in a tiny income without too much of a problem. Yes, I’m glad it did it. But I know folks who have come over and could not wait until they could return back to the US. Not everyone is cut out to absorb and melt into a new culture.
Sharon, I'm so interested to hear your story of 30-plus years as an immigrant to the Netherlands. It is very heartening that you are happy you moved. And of course there will be others who tried it and decided that it wasn't for them—I am sort of trying to help people avoid falling into that category. Interesting that your son chose to move to the US—I would love to hear that story. So you really are stretched between two continents, I guess. I hope you are happy with how things have worked out.
I am happy, and I think my quality of life is better here. My son went back to the US for university and chose to stay.
This piece is sooo good. What’s the Mark Twain quote about travel curing bigotry and other ails?
Anything that makes us see how small a speck we are in the grand scheme, how both adaptable and silly we can be at once, how many options there are for being and communing is a gift. And travel is my favorite thus far.
Have spent a few months here or there and countries not my own. This piece is one among many things that cements my goal to one day be an expat. Thank you.
Thank you, Holly! It's great to think that my writing may be of help to you in some way.
This resonates a lot.
Wholeheartedly: “The experience of living abroad has changed me in fundamental ways that I would not trade for anything.”
Thanks for sharing. It's been circuitous and toll laden for me, but I can't reverse engineer the basic American dream in me if I try. I have tried, it feels incompatible with what I want at this point.
I hear you, Anthony! I'm glad that you've also figured out what you want in life.