I loved everything about this post! It also crosses my path as I work to plan my own emigration. I will retire from corporate America this year. As I sit in the house you are supposed to work so hard to achieve, and surrounded by possessions that are supposed to make you feel accomplished, I find myself unable to connect to the purpose of it all. I long to disconnect and trade it all in for adventure. Even now, I am researching how to accomplish the Camino de Santiago pilgrimage and, while there, call Spain or Portugal home. Thank you for this thoughtful article.
I'm so glad that this piece resonated with you, Brian! I can really sympathize with your ambivalence about the things we are _supposed_ to want. The Camino de Santiago sounds like a great experience! My advice would be to separate that experience from looking for a new home, as you might want to live in a different part of Spain/Portugal, or even somewhere else. Best of luck!
Thanks much! This trip will be dedicated to discovery. After the Camino, I will take time to travel through Spain and Portugal to get a feel for each area. My focus is on Spain’s Costa Blanca. I also believe the Spanish language is easier to learn. Once I find a fit, I will rent for a year and continue my search before I purchase, or just become a nomad. So many possibilities.
I looooooove this article. It's one of those that feels like the thoughts inside my head were transferred to you, -who is able to write them down in a beautiful way. I bet it has helped many understand the ups and downs of it all. For a few years I've been testing living abroad, a month here and there. In a few weeks I leave the States for an indeterminate amount of time. It's a calling to some for sure. Thank you, I look forward to reading more of your work
I think that a sense of place and personal history can vary within the US. I grew up in Massachusetts where, when my father retired after 32 years on the fire department, it was the first time in 86 years that there was not someone from my family on the fire department. There were still some on the police department. The city has history and I have personal history there.
I moved to San Diego and found that there was no sense of place. It was rare to meet someone who was from there. A friend captured it perfectly in saying on the east coast where 100 miles is far an on the west coast where 100 years is old.
Those of us who grew up with a strong sense of place are lucky. I felt a significant culture shock when I went to a selective small, liberal arts, New England college being a first gen kid. For the first time, I was able to see the culture in which I was raised, and it was only a 90 minute car ride away. And it was a good thing that has made me continue to search for new experiences throughout my life.
Great article. I think you captured everything wonderfully. I do wonder if my fear of connected walls has more to do with inconsiderate people, than the desire of owning a home.
In Italy where my family lives (Grumo Appula, Bari) the homes are very close together and the doors are always open (ajar, not unlocked) - I've never once heard a war movie on volume 11 with the sub-woofer shaking everything off the neighbors' walls - or Metallica blaring like the band is playing live in the neighbors back yard. All things I experienced as an apartment dweller.
Things are different in Europe -- good, bad or indifferent. Because I wasn't (am still not) a fluent Italian speaker, it was always so stressful trying to get around, talk to my family (they don't speak English), order food or answer someone who asked me questions on the street. Like you said, there was a time where going to the grocery store was a win for you.
Of course being back in NYC there's still stress - like KNOWING what people are saying and god forbid have them come up to me on the street -- they usually don't have a question...
I moved across the country from one coast to the other and you can still lose touch with everything and every one -- I do try to stay in touch and visit at least once a year.
The grass is definitely not always greener when you move anywhere - but sometimes you just need a new lawn.
Very nice observations, Renee! Thanks for sharing your own story. It's true: You can never fully escape stress (or noise, for the most part). I have spent time in the Swedish countryside, which seemed incredibly peaceful until the neighbors' dogs started barking, the chainsaws started up, and the foresting machines started tearing up the forest.
I really believe that you should live somewhere where you can have a lifestyle that you enjoy. If that's a small town in Puglia where you have to speak Italian, great. If that's NYC where you have to deal with people coming up to you on the subway, great. If that's the San Juan islands where you have to take a boat for half an hour to go shopping, great. It's all about finding the trade-offs that you're comfortable with. And we're all different in what we like.
To tie this in with the point of the article, trying different lifestyles helps us in two ways: It helps us to think more clearly about what we really like and how we want to live, and it helps us develop as people, learning to be more adaptable and more attuned to the different ways of doing things in the world.
Couldn't agree more. Finding that perfect balance between quiet solitude and lonely desolation... And especially this, "trying different lifestyles helps us in two ways: It helps us to think more clearly about what we really like and how we want to live, and it helps us develop as people, learning to be more adaptable and more attuned to the different ways of doing things in the world." :)
A year in Vienna as an undergraduate and all the ensuing travel prepared me for a longterm relationship with my Italian sweetheart. My friends still think it’s like a fairy tale but to me it’s a perfectly logical progression.
A good read! This post really verbalized my motivations for a study abroad semester. I'll save this in my back pocket for when I look to study abroad in three years...
But in seriousness, I really would like to study abroad. I am a current first year university student. I already understand that my experiences are a bubble.
Growing up in the same town for a majority of my life, even the transition to college has me confronting the fact that my peers and I are so different now. None of the high school cohesiveness. I knew this would happen before moving out to college, but to experience it is a different matter entirely.
I appreciate your discussion about the downsides and connecting that to identity as well. I think that's what I've been feeling these last few months -- trying to put down my roots on this campus, in this new environment. It isn't a perspective I've heard talking to people about studying abroad (though I'll admit, I haven't talked to many people about it).
I know you said to aim for a year+ of study abroad, but I'll likely only be able to do a semester. Hopefully spring or fall of my junior year.
Nice to hear from you, Ina! I definitely relate to the difficulty of finding yourself on a new campus, surrounded by people who you don't know and who seem different (and maybe intimidating). It can be very disorienting. I hope you will be able to find your own group of people—people who you share interests and values with.
As for studying abroad, I do recommend one year, as I think it makes a qualitative difference, but hey, if you can only do one semester, that's a thousand times better than nothing! I hope you will have as enriching an experience as I did.
Absolutely loved this, and it resonated on so many levels. I’m an Australian who’s lived in the US for more than twenty years. I couldn’t wait to move here - I ran toward America and away from home in equal measure. But it’s definitely become increasingly difficult to reconcile life in America - and general societal expectations of what that should look like - with a life that’s actually happy. I just have an inkling that all these countries that have engaged with the question of what really matters for far longer than the US or Australia may know a thing or 1,000 that we don’t. Thanks again!
Thank you very much, Luke! You are right to point out that the cultures of the US and Australia, even though they might seem old at 200-400 years, are far younger than those of many other countries. That raises the fascinating question of how long culture survives, and how often it changes, which is a big one!
I left the Philippines right after high school, emigrated to America with my family, then ended up living Latin America, Asia and Europe. I am perhaps an extreme expat, having accumulated several languages, friends, and experiences along the way. Everything you have said about the discomfort of moving to another country, is true, particularly if you have to learn a new language. Oh, the endless opportunities to make a complete fool of yourself in public! Yet you do grow in these virtues: patience and humility. In a way, you become a child again. The place you feel most at home is not necessarily the place you originally came from. What you value determines where you are most happy. I love places with a really long history, with walkable communities, old churches, so I chose to live in Europe, a continent with different languages and cultures, an endlessly fascinating place to travel, without jet lag or 10 hour flights.
I’m really glad that this essay resonated with you, Esme! I agree that what you value determines where you are happiest. It looks like you and I both value the things that Europe provides. I find it an easy place to be happy. (Though, I hasten to add, not all the time!)
Reading this has made me think. I moved from Chicago-area to a small city near Amsterdam almost 30 years ago - it will be 30 years in July 2025. I spent the three years previous to moving working on both places about equal amounts of time, and realised that for a lot of cultural reasons, I felt more comfortable moving to the Netherlands and working as a single mom here — 30 years on, my son lives in the US and so do my granddaughters, and thankfully technology improvements have brought the ability to do video calls with ease, and that makes up for not wanting to spend days flying up and back. Yes, a hug would be nice, but in 10 seconds i can have everyone on a call — and that works for me. I agree with how I look at life has changed immeasurably by living here, with the social support, the balance of home and work and the fact that good enough is just fine. I can walk to all the important places, I am about to retire and live in a tiny income without too much of a problem. Yes, I’m glad it did it. But I know folks who have come over and could not wait until they could return back to the US. Not everyone is cut out to absorb and melt into a new culture.
Sharon, I'm so interested to hear your story of 30-plus years as an immigrant to the Netherlands. It is very heartening that you are happy you moved. And of course there will be others who tried it and decided that it wasn't for them—I am sort of trying to help people avoid falling into that category. Interesting that your son chose to move to the US—I would love to hear that story. So you really are stretched between two continents, I guess. I hope you are happy with how things have worked out.
This piece is sooo good. What’s the Mark Twain quote about travel curing bigotry and other ails?
Anything that makes us see how small a speck we are in the grand scheme, how both adaptable and silly we can be at once, how many options there are for being and communing is a gift. And travel is my favorite thus far.
Have spent a few months here or there and countries not my own. This piece is one among many things that cements my goal to one day be an expat. Thank you.
Wholeheartedly: “The experience of living abroad has changed me in fundamental ways that I would not trade for anything.”
Thanks for sharing. It's been circuitous and toll laden for me, but I can't reverse engineer the basic American dream in me if I try. I have tried, it feels incompatible with what I want at this point.
Enjoyed this read Greg! I didn't stumble across your rendition until after I had already posted mine. Funny how we both brought up the resilience and resourcefulness that moving abroad teaches you.
This is incredibly well articulated! Coming from someone who has not crossed the pond yet (living in Texas at the moment)… this puts into words what I imagine life would look like abroad. And why it is I want to do just that - that pull to move myself, my husband and our young daughter to somewhere in Europe is very strong. Especially lately. When you write about the “loss” aspects, I felt emotion rise up about leaving family behind. That’s one thing that I keep thinking about. There’s the many questions of “would this be best for our daughter?” To uproot her and to face challenges such as language barriers, culture shock, trying to make new friends, etc. But, at the same time, I can’t help but think of what an incredible experience this might could be for her (and for us as her parents!) The exposure to different cultures… the aesthetic beauty of places like Paris, walking to art museums, parks. What you wrote about being in a new place, how it makes you feel Alive… that stuck out to me. We’ve traveled a lot and I know what this feeling of aliveness feels like. Thank you for writing this!
I think coming to Europe as an expat, that aesthetic beauty sticks out even more than if you grew up here and have been exposed to it your entire life.
Wishing you all the best Lindsey and hope you're able to test out a transition at some point!
Thank you Brian for your comment! Yes, I think it’s the “newness” of a place… where everything is so different from what you are used to, that makes traveling so appealing!
Lindsey, I am so happy that this essay spoke to you! While it is very gratifying to get comments from other expats saying that they have had similar experiences, it means a lot more to hear from people who could potentially be aided in making life decisions by what I write.
I would say that if you are seriously considering moving to Europe, you should read my other essay, “Are You One of the Few Americans Who Really Could Move to Europe?”, as it is the yin to the yang of this post, as it were. The questions there might really help to clarify things.
I don’t talk specifically about taking children abroad, as I have not done so. But I would point out that children are generally far more adaptable than adults, and they can usually thrive in any context. There are many ways in which raising a child in Europe could seem very attractive, I am sure. But I’ll yield the floor to those who have actually done so.
I loved everything about this post! It also crosses my path as I work to plan my own emigration. I will retire from corporate America this year. As I sit in the house you are supposed to work so hard to achieve, and surrounded by possessions that are supposed to make you feel accomplished, I find myself unable to connect to the purpose of it all. I long to disconnect and trade it all in for adventure. Even now, I am researching how to accomplish the Camino de Santiago pilgrimage and, while there, call Spain or Portugal home. Thank you for this thoughtful article.
I'm so glad that this piece resonated with you, Brian! I can really sympathize with your ambivalence about the things we are _supposed_ to want. The Camino de Santiago sounds like a great experience! My advice would be to separate that experience from looking for a new home, as you might want to live in a different part of Spain/Portugal, or even somewhere else. Best of luck!
Thanks much! This trip will be dedicated to discovery. After the Camino, I will take time to travel through Spain and Portugal to get a feel for each area. My focus is on Spain’s Costa Blanca. I also believe the Spanish language is easier to learn. Once I find a fit, I will rent for a year and continue my search before I purchase, or just become a nomad. So many possibilities.
Really nice piece! Makes me want to go live abroad again!
Thank you, Jeff! Maybe you should?
Thanks for an insightful article. I forwarded it to our daughters and sons-in-law who all moved from South Africa and now live in Europe
I'm so glad you enjoyed it, Vernon. I hope it will prove thought-provoking for your family as well.
I looooooove this article. It's one of those that feels like the thoughts inside my head were transferred to you, -who is able to write them down in a beautiful way. I bet it has helped many understand the ups and downs of it all. For a few years I've been testing living abroad, a month here and there. In a few weeks I leave the States for an indeterminate amount of time. It's a calling to some for sure. Thank you, I look forward to reading more of your work
Debbie.
I think that a sense of place and personal history can vary within the US. I grew up in Massachusetts where, when my father retired after 32 years on the fire department, it was the first time in 86 years that there was not someone from my family on the fire department. There were still some on the police department. The city has history and I have personal history there.
I moved to San Diego and found that there was no sense of place. It was rare to meet someone who was from there. A friend captured it perfectly in saying on the east coast where 100 miles is far an on the west coast where 100 years is old.
Those of us who grew up with a strong sense of place are lucky. I felt a significant culture shock when I went to a selective small, liberal arts, New England college being a first gen kid. For the first time, I was able to see the culture in which I was raised, and it was only a 90 minute car ride away. And it was a good thing that has made me continue to search for new experiences throughout my life.
Great article. I think you captured everything wonderfully. I do wonder if my fear of connected walls has more to do with inconsiderate people, than the desire of owning a home.
In Italy where my family lives (Grumo Appula, Bari) the homes are very close together and the doors are always open (ajar, not unlocked) - I've never once heard a war movie on volume 11 with the sub-woofer shaking everything off the neighbors' walls - or Metallica blaring like the band is playing live in the neighbors back yard. All things I experienced as an apartment dweller.
Things are different in Europe -- good, bad or indifferent. Because I wasn't (am still not) a fluent Italian speaker, it was always so stressful trying to get around, talk to my family (they don't speak English), order food or answer someone who asked me questions on the street. Like you said, there was a time where going to the grocery store was a win for you.
Of course being back in NYC there's still stress - like KNOWING what people are saying and god forbid have them come up to me on the street -- they usually don't have a question...
I moved across the country from one coast to the other and you can still lose touch with everything and every one -- I do try to stay in touch and visit at least once a year.
The grass is definitely not always greener when you move anywhere - but sometimes you just need a new lawn.
Very nice observations, Renee! Thanks for sharing your own story. It's true: You can never fully escape stress (or noise, for the most part). I have spent time in the Swedish countryside, which seemed incredibly peaceful until the neighbors' dogs started barking, the chainsaws started up, and the foresting machines started tearing up the forest.
I really believe that you should live somewhere where you can have a lifestyle that you enjoy. If that's a small town in Puglia where you have to speak Italian, great. If that's NYC where you have to deal with people coming up to you on the subway, great. If that's the San Juan islands where you have to take a boat for half an hour to go shopping, great. It's all about finding the trade-offs that you're comfortable with. And we're all different in what we like.
To tie this in with the point of the article, trying different lifestyles helps us in two ways: It helps us to think more clearly about what we really like and how we want to live, and it helps us develop as people, learning to be more adaptable and more attuned to the different ways of doing things in the world.
Couldn't agree more. Finding that perfect balance between quiet solitude and lonely desolation... And especially this, "trying different lifestyles helps us in two ways: It helps us to think more clearly about what we really like and how we want to live, and it helps us develop as people, learning to be more adaptable and more attuned to the different ways of doing things in the world." :)
A year in Vienna as an undergraduate and all the ensuing travel prepared me for a longterm relationship with my Italian sweetheart. My friends still think it’s like a fairy tale but to me it’s a perfectly logical progression.
That’s a lovely story, Sarah! And I see what you mean: It seems like a fairy tale to people who can’t imagine actually doing it. But you did!
A good read! This post really verbalized my motivations for a study abroad semester. I'll save this in my back pocket for when I look to study abroad in three years...
But in seriousness, I really would like to study abroad. I am a current first year university student. I already understand that my experiences are a bubble.
Growing up in the same town for a majority of my life, even the transition to college has me confronting the fact that my peers and I are so different now. None of the high school cohesiveness. I knew this would happen before moving out to college, but to experience it is a different matter entirely.
I appreciate your discussion about the downsides and connecting that to identity as well. I think that's what I've been feeling these last few months -- trying to put down my roots on this campus, in this new environment. It isn't a perspective I've heard talking to people about studying abroad (though I'll admit, I haven't talked to many people about it).
I know you said to aim for a year+ of study abroad, but I'll likely only be able to do a semester. Hopefully spring or fall of my junior year.
Nice to hear from you, Ina! I definitely relate to the difficulty of finding yourself on a new campus, surrounded by people who you don't know and who seem different (and maybe intimidating). It can be very disorienting. I hope you will be able to find your own group of people—people who you share interests and values with.
As for studying abroad, I do recommend one year, as I think it makes a qualitative difference, but hey, if you can only do one semester, that's a thousand times better than nothing! I hope you will have as enriching an experience as I did.
Absolutely loved this, and it resonated on so many levels. I’m an Australian who’s lived in the US for more than twenty years. I couldn’t wait to move here - I ran toward America and away from home in equal measure. But it’s definitely become increasingly difficult to reconcile life in America - and general societal expectations of what that should look like - with a life that’s actually happy. I just have an inkling that all these countries that have engaged with the question of what really matters for far longer than the US or Australia may know a thing or 1,000 that we don’t. Thanks again!
Thank you very much, Luke! You are right to point out that the cultures of the US and Australia, even though they might seem old at 200-400 years, are far younger than those of many other countries. That raises the fascinating question of how long culture survives, and how often it changes, which is a big one!
I left the Philippines right after high school, emigrated to America with my family, then ended up living Latin America, Asia and Europe. I am perhaps an extreme expat, having accumulated several languages, friends, and experiences along the way. Everything you have said about the discomfort of moving to another country, is true, particularly if you have to learn a new language. Oh, the endless opportunities to make a complete fool of yourself in public! Yet you do grow in these virtues: patience and humility. In a way, you become a child again. The place you feel most at home is not necessarily the place you originally came from. What you value determines where you are most happy. I love places with a really long history, with walkable communities, old churches, so I chose to live in Europe, a continent with different languages and cultures, an endlessly fascinating place to travel, without jet lag or 10 hour flights.
I’m really glad that this essay resonated with you, Esme! I agree that what you value determines where you are happiest. It looks like you and I both value the things that Europe provides. I find it an easy place to be happy. (Though, I hasten to add, not all the time!)
Reading this has made me think. I moved from Chicago-area to a small city near Amsterdam almost 30 years ago - it will be 30 years in July 2025. I spent the three years previous to moving working on both places about equal amounts of time, and realised that for a lot of cultural reasons, I felt more comfortable moving to the Netherlands and working as a single mom here — 30 years on, my son lives in the US and so do my granddaughters, and thankfully technology improvements have brought the ability to do video calls with ease, and that makes up for not wanting to spend days flying up and back. Yes, a hug would be nice, but in 10 seconds i can have everyone on a call — and that works for me. I agree with how I look at life has changed immeasurably by living here, with the social support, the balance of home and work and the fact that good enough is just fine. I can walk to all the important places, I am about to retire and live in a tiny income without too much of a problem. Yes, I’m glad it did it. But I know folks who have come over and could not wait until they could return back to the US. Not everyone is cut out to absorb and melt into a new culture.
Sharon, I'm so interested to hear your story of 30-plus years as an immigrant to the Netherlands. It is very heartening that you are happy you moved. And of course there will be others who tried it and decided that it wasn't for them—I am sort of trying to help people avoid falling into that category. Interesting that your son chose to move to the US—I would love to hear that story. So you really are stretched between two continents, I guess. I hope you are happy with how things have worked out.
I am happy, and I think my quality of life is better here. My son went back to the US for university and chose to stay.
This piece is sooo good. What’s the Mark Twain quote about travel curing bigotry and other ails?
Anything that makes us see how small a speck we are in the grand scheme, how both adaptable and silly we can be at once, how many options there are for being and communing is a gift. And travel is my favorite thus far.
Have spent a few months here or there and countries not my own. This piece is one among many things that cements my goal to one day be an expat. Thank you.
Thank you, Holly! It's great to think that my writing may be of help to you in some way.
This resonates a lot.
Wholeheartedly: “The experience of living abroad has changed me in fundamental ways that I would not trade for anything.”
Thanks for sharing. It's been circuitous and toll laden for me, but I can't reverse engineer the basic American dream in me if I try. I have tried, it feels incompatible with what I want at this point.
I hear you, Anthony! I'm glad that you've also figured out what you want in life.
Enjoyed this read Greg! I didn't stumble across your rendition until after I had already posted mine. Funny how we both brought up the resilience and resourcefulness that moving abroad teaches you.
Thanks, Brian! Maybe not so strange, seeing as that's what it actually does for you.
I feel more at home abroad and increasingly foreign in the US.
Me too, Kim!
This is incredibly well articulated! Coming from someone who has not crossed the pond yet (living in Texas at the moment)… this puts into words what I imagine life would look like abroad. And why it is I want to do just that - that pull to move myself, my husband and our young daughter to somewhere in Europe is very strong. Especially lately. When you write about the “loss” aspects, I felt emotion rise up about leaving family behind. That’s one thing that I keep thinking about. There’s the many questions of “would this be best for our daughter?” To uproot her and to face challenges such as language barriers, culture shock, trying to make new friends, etc. But, at the same time, I can’t help but think of what an incredible experience this might could be for her (and for us as her parents!) The exposure to different cultures… the aesthetic beauty of places like Paris, walking to art museums, parks. What you wrote about being in a new place, how it makes you feel Alive… that stuck out to me. We’ve traveled a lot and I know what this feeling of aliveness feels like. Thank you for writing this!
I think coming to Europe as an expat, that aesthetic beauty sticks out even more than if you grew up here and have been exposed to it your entire life.
Wishing you all the best Lindsey and hope you're able to test out a transition at some point!
Thank you Brian for your comment! Yes, I think it’s the “newness” of a place… where everything is so different from what you are used to, that makes traveling so appealing!
Lindsey, I am so happy that this essay spoke to you! While it is very gratifying to get comments from other expats saying that they have had similar experiences, it means a lot more to hear from people who could potentially be aided in making life decisions by what I write.
I would say that if you are seriously considering moving to Europe, you should read my other essay, “Are You One of the Few Americans Who Really Could Move to Europe?”, as it is the yin to the yang of this post, as it were. The questions there might really help to clarify things.
I don’t talk specifically about taking children abroad, as I have not done so. But I would point out that children are generally far more adaptable than adults, and they can usually thrive in any context. There are many ways in which raising a child in Europe could seem very attractive, I am sure. But I’ll yield the floor to those who have actually done so.
Thank you so much for your thoughtful comment back! I will definitely read your essay you mentioned… will give me more to think about!