Excellent read, so many good points, you...spreadsheet weirdo! (KIDDING!)
Having also spent much of my life abroad, with friends and family scattered over the world, it is tough. Also, with a few of these 9-month teaching English jobs, as well as a few summer school stints in the UK teaching with great people, losing those friends when it's time to say goodbye is heart-wrenching. The key about EFL teaching is that there's usually an implicit understanding that the default thing is to accept that this is it, we move on, and as one colleague said so memorably years ago, we're all just passing ships in the TEFL night. That's very specific, I know, but there are many friends from those gigs I'd love to hear from, but as that circle has grown over the years, it gets harder and harder.
I'm in the lucky position of never getting lonely and I tend to be fairly anti-social, which suits me fine. I'd love to chat with a few friends, but I just wish it were in person. Online, whether Zoom or emailing just doesn't cut it anymore.
Occasionally someone I know, casually, will pass through town and say 'hey, wanna grab beer?' and half the time it's like 'okay, sure' and the other half i'm thinking 'not really, but...should i just say yes?' It's kind of nice in a way, maybe?
In my early TEFL days, it was the spontaneous nights out after work I enjoyed the most. A cheeky beer or two on a Tuesday night, that was fun.
Good tips though - every now and again I think about doing one of those meetup things, just to see what it's like, but never get round to it. Too much time on Substack these days!
Seriously, it sounds like you are an introvert and don't necessarily want massive amounts of contact with others... which is perfectly fine.
I would suggest, though, that if there are people you wish you were still in contact with, that you actually write to them to say hi. You may be forced to accept a Zoom call or something less enjoyable than the pub (though in my experience, two people on Zoom who are well provisioned with beer can have a rather good time). But sometimes the enjoyment of connection is greater than the hassle of making the connection happen, you know?
And where the meetup things are concerned... you never know where they might lead. I would say it's worth a try. Maybe there is a Vienna meetup for grouchy people with unkempt beards / grouchy people who fancy unkempt beards. Who knows?
I actually forgot to mention this - yes, there are people who I wish I were in contact with, and I loved your idea of getting in touch every Saturday (I believe) and I have done this in the past. Ironically, there are so many people who I owe an email to that I’m terribly keen on keeping in touch with, and there are people I have written to who have, for lack of a better term, ghosted me I guess.
And more very personal thing - I love that you and Liza are on such good terms. I have an ex (I never mention her on these pages) who was an absolute dear, and we had a rocky relationship, but I so badly wish I could talk to her. Not because of any feelings or anything, but she’s one of the most brilliant and fascinating people I know, but she’s a big believer in NOT keeping in touch after breakups. Hell, this was about 20 years ago and she does write once every blue moon, but in a very professional manner (TL;DR - she’s an author who offered valuable advice about my book, unprompted)
Daniel, you are right—it is often hard to distinguish between introverts and misanthropes. Only you can say whether you want to avoid people, or murder them.
As for getting in touch with people, if you can bear the thought of someone not replying, then it costs next to nothing to send a message just to see what might happen. The potential rewards might just outweigh the potential costs.
And yes, I am weirdly given to remaining on very good terms with my exes (not that Liza and I have a perfect relationship, mind you). I find that it is very affirming if someone who once professed to love you continues to at least like you. Just a shot in the dark: If your ex is offering writing advice, she may be open to some kind of friendly relationship. Otherwise, why would she bother?
Plus, surely there is some sort of statute of limitations on breakups. After 20 years, you hardly even remember the details, so why not be friends? Just a thought.
I loved your piece Gregory. I am new to Substack and just discovering the nany wonderful interactions in it! Having lived “somewhere else” since the age of 15 (am now 68) I have a collection of friends in many places. I love the idea if a spreadsheet (being an accountant and a virgo) as making sure to keep all the fires warm takes time and dedication! I use instagram to keep my friends uptodate with the daily goings on but individual contact is essential. The best part of true friendship thiugh is ut withstands the test of time and distance.
Thank you, Cristina! It's nice to have you here. And I'm glad you like the spreadsheet idea. I think that it's true that "true friendships" stand the test of time, but I would argue that it's a stress test—so it's like saying that good buildings stand the test of earthquakes. Ideally, we would like to see (or talk to) our true friends on a regular enough basis that it wouldn't seem like such a challenge, don't you think?
I totally agree with you. Modern technology makes this so much easier now. I remember the days of air mail letters (with pre-glued flaps on 3 sides) and expensive phone calls to land lines. We have no excuses now with calls on whatsapp being practically free of charge! My biggest pet hate when it comes to correspondence with friends is the annual Xmas letter where you wrote a standard text and just added the addresse’s name by hand.
A friend of mine who lives in Australia and I are starting a publication on Substack in the next few days which will take the form of letters to each other - we borrowed the name of a book by Marcel Proust :) Letters to a Frienc
Thank you, GG, for the implied reminder that if I want to visit you in Lisbon next year, I mustn’t wait too long before getting on your calendar. As an introvert whose social circles at each concentric level are more tightly confined than yours, I find it exhausting to read about all the well-planned work that you do to stay in touch with your peeps. But I applaud your emphasis on intentionality and ingenuity. For many of us, I think, it’s easy to assume that real friendship hovers in a realm where premeditated tricks and hacks don’t apply. But that isn’t how life works, or at least it isn’t how life in the modern global village works. Great piece!
I would argue that it's _never_ been how life works. "Real friendship" is about putting in the work to be a part of someone's life—not just having a piece of paper somewhere with "best friend" written on it. I know that for serious introverts, this can easily seem tiring. But unless you run into your friends at the pub on a regular basis, some kind of intentionality is necessary, in my experience.
There are rare situations when friendships emerge and flourish organically rather than intentionally. Think of Dunbar's premodern village, or an early-modern urban equivalent in which all social life revolves around neighborhood institutions (churches, union halls, pubs). Or, more pertinently, think of how friendship sometimes operates in a residential university setting. Indeed, part of what I was trying to evoke is the problematic nostalgia that too many of us have for the more organic friendship-making of our adolescent years. Relinquishing that nostalgia is one of the big challenges that adulthood poses. (Note: We're quibbling here, and not disagreeing.)
I take your point, Mike. I think a useful distinction can be drawn between friendships that emerge when people are stuck with each other and make the best of it (high school, college, workplaces) and friendships that we choose to maintain even when it's not convenient. For me, the latter are the important ones.
Thank you for this great advice and providing specific steps to take. I recently moved to Canada and it's challenging making new friends. People have their life routines well-established so it can be tricky finding ways to make connections. Slow, steady, and consistent outreach works well 😊
Thank you, Megan! Yes, it can be hard to chip your way through the ice of other people's set ways. I would say (not knowing the local context at all) to keep trying with the locals, but also don't lose touch with the friends from "back home" that are important to you. I wish you the best of luck!
There's so much wisdom here! After we graduated, my closest friends ended up all over the United States. I try hard to keep up with everyone, but a spreadsheet never occurred to me even though I keep a monthly habit tracker. Brilliant!
Thank you, Kasey! Wisdom is a big word—I'd say it's just how I've learned to make things work so that I don't collapse into loneliness. I'm very happy if it helps others, though.
I have friends all over the place and have never struggled to make them. Maybe because I love my own company so don't stress about meeting people. Friends come and go depending on many things, moving being one, but my friends all say I'm good at keeping in touch. I send little postcards or messages or an emoji. But it's a two-way street so some have fallen away.
Here in Finland, the whole "chatting to someone in a shop" isn't really a thing, but I do bump into people I know more often now I've been here a while. I notice the lack of smiling when I get back from Australia or the UK though. Sometimes people can look a little intimidating here!
I am impressed with you, Lisa, for making friends in Finland, arguably one of the countries where it is said to be most difficult to do so. But hey, even if that doesn't work, you have all of the friendships you've made around the world—and it sounds like you're very good at keeping those alive. Well done you!
Loving the actionable approach, Gregory! Having lived in The Netherlands for a few years, I can confirm that those light-touch interactions you mention (ie., while during errands) are so easy to underestimate but so so valuable. 🙂
Thanks for the support, Michael! I'm glad you also get those social vitamins through everyday interactions in the Netherlands. I've never lived there, so I'm not familiar with that aspect of life there.
An absolutely hilarious, useful and profound piece of writing, Gregory. Thank you for making my sleepless night happy. And as I kept reading your text I could hear verses of an old song persistently playing in the back of my mind. I’m not sure if you ever listened to it, but it’s one from a Brazilian folk singer called Oswaldo Montenegro called ‘A lista’. I’d definitely declare it the soundtrack of your precious text. Here it is: https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=RpVlFOziTMA&si=bipkqrTCjrlpGDRQ
Yes, you’ve written an antidote on how not to become the self Montenegro describes. By saying I’d declare that the soundtrack to your text I wasn’t really clear about it: it is ‘my’ soundtrack to it (after all it resonated nonstop inside my head while reading) for the sheer fact I’ve become that self.
Excellent read, so many good points, you...spreadsheet weirdo! (KIDDING!)
Having also spent much of my life abroad, with friends and family scattered over the world, it is tough. Also, with a few of these 9-month teaching English jobs, as well as a few summer school stints in the UK teaching with great people, losing those friends when it's time to say goodbye is heart-wrenching. The key about EFL teaching is that there's usually an implicit understanding that the default thing is to accept that this is it, we move on, and as one colleague said so memorably years ago, we're all just passing ships in the TEFL night. That's very specific, I know, but there are many friends from those gigs I'd love to hear from, but as that circle has grown over the years, it gets harder and harder.
I'm in the lucky position of never getting lonely and I tend to be fairly anti-social, which suits me fine. I'd love to chat with a few friends, but I just wish it were in person. Online, whether Zoom or emailing just doesn't cut it anymore.
Occasionally someone I know, casually, will pass through town and say 'hey, wanna grab beer?' and half the time it's like 'okay, sure' and the other half i'm thinking 'not really, but...should i just say yes?' It's kind of nice in a way, maybe?
In my early TEFL days, it was the spontaneous nights out after work I enjoyed the most. A cheeky beer or two on a Tuesday night, that was fun.
Good tips though - every now and again I think about doing one of those meetup things, just to see what it's like, but never get round to it. Too much time on Substack these days!
Thank you, Daniel, you... introverted freak! (KIDDING!)
Seriously, it sounds like you are an introvert and don't necessarily want massive amounts of contact with others... which is perfectly fine.
I would suggest, though, that if there are people you wish you were still in contact with, that you actually write to them to say hi. You may be forced to accept a Zoom call or something less enjoyable than the pub (though in my experience, two people on Zoom who are well provisioned with beer can have a rather good time). But sometimes the enjoyment of connection is greater than the hassle of making the connection happen, you know?
And where the meetup things are concerned... you never know where they might lead. I would say it's worth a try. Maybe there is a Vienna meetup for grouchy people with unkempt beards / grouchy people who fancy unkempt beards. Who knows?
Introvert? Or misanthrope? 😂
I actually forgot to mention this - yes, there are people who I wish I were in contact with, and I loved your idea of getting in touch every Saturday (I believe) and I have done this in the past. Ironically, there are so many people who I owe an email to that I’m terribly keen on keeping in touch with, and there are people I have written to who have, for lack of a better term, ghosted me I guess.
And more very personal thing - I love that you and Liza are on such good terms. I have an ex (I never mention her on these pages) who was an absolute dear, and we had a rocky relationship, but I so badly wish I could talk to her. Not because of any feelings or anything, but she’s one of the most brilliant and fascinating people I know, but she’s a big believer in NOT keeping in touch after breakups. Hell, this was about 20 years ago and she does write once every blue moon, but in a very professional manner (TL;DR - she’s an author who offered valuable advice about my book, unprompted)
Such is life, I suppose!
Daniel, you are right—it is often hard to distinguish between introverts and misanthropes. Only you can say whether you want to avoid people, or murder them.
As for getting in touch with people, if you can bear the thought of someone not replying, then it costs next to nothing to send a message just to see what might happen. The potential rewards might just outweigh the potential costs.
And yes, I am weirdly given to remaining on very good terms with my exes (not that Liza and I have a perfect relationship, mind you). I find that it is very affirming if someone who once professed to love you continues to at least like you. Just a shot in the dark: If your ex is offering writing advice, she may be open to some kind of friendly relationship. Otherwise, why would she bother?
Plus, surely there is some sort of statute of limitations on breakups. After 20 years, you hardly even remember the details, so why not be friends? Just a thought.
I loved your piece Gregory. I am new to Substack and just discovering the nany wonderful interactions in it! Having lived “somewhere else” since the age of 15 (am now 68) I have a collection of friends in many places. I love the idea if a spreadsheet (being an accountant and a virgo) as making sure to keep all the fires warm takes time and dedication! I use instagram to keep my friends uptodate with the daily goings on but individual contact is essential. The best part of true friendship thiugh is ut withstands the test of time and distance.
Thank you, Cristina! It's nice to have you here. And I'm glad you like the spreadsheet idea. I think that it's true that "true friendships" stand the test of time, but I would argue that it's a stress test—so it's like saying that good buildings stand the test of earthquakes. Ideally, we would like to see (or talk to) our true friends on a regular enough basis that it wouldn't seem like such a challenge, don't you think?
I totally agree with you. Modern technology makes this so much easier now. I remember the days of air mail letters (with pre-glued flaps on 3 sides) and expensive phone calls to land lines. We have no excuses now with calls on whatsapp being practically free of charge! My biggest pet hate when it comes to correspondence with friends is the annual Xmas letter where you wrote a standard text and just added the addresse’s name by hand.
A friend of mine who lives in Australia and I are starting a publication on Substack in the next few days which will take the form of letters to each other - we borrowed the name of a book by Marcel Proust :) Letters to a Frienc
Sounds exciting, Cristina! I love the idea of a shared Substack!
Thank you, GG, for the implied reminder that if I want to visit you in Lisbon next year, I mustn’t wait too long before getting on your calendar. As an introvert whose social circles at each concentric level are more tightly confined than yours, I find it exhausting to read about all the well-planned work that you do to stay in touch with your peeps. But I applaud your emphasis on intentionality and ingenuity. For many of us, I think, it’s easy to assume that real friendship hovers in a realm where premeditated tricks and hacks don’t apply. But that isn’t how life works, or at least it isn’t how life in the modern global village works. Great piece!
And yes, let me know when you want to come and visit! 🇵🇹
I would argue that it's _never_ been how life works. "Real friendship" is about putting in the work to be a part of someone's life—not just having a piece of paper somewhere with "best friend" written on it. I know that for serious introverts, this can easily seem tiring. But unless you run into your friends at the pub on a regular basis, some kind of intentionality is necessary, in my experience.
There are rare situations when friendships emerge and flourish organically rather than intentionally. Think of Dunbar's premodern village, or an early-modern urban equivalent in which all social life revolves around neighborhood institutions (churches, union halls, pubs). Or, more pertinently, think of how friendship sometimes operates in a residential university setting. Indeed, part of what I was trying to evoke is the problematic nostalgia that too many of us have for the more organic friendship-making of our adolescent years. Relinquishing that nostalgia is one of the big challenges that adulthood poses. (Note: We're quibbling here, and not disagreeing.)
I take your point, Mike. I think a useful distinction can be drawn between friendships that emerge when people are stuck with each other and make the best of it (high school, college, workplaces) and friendships that we choose to maintain even when it's not convenient. For me, the latter are the important ones.
Thank you for this great advice and providing specific steps to take. I recently moved to Canada and it's challenging making new friends. People have their life routines well-established so it can be tricky finding ways to make connections. Slow, steady, and consistent outreach works well 😊
Thank you, Megan! Yes, it can be hard to chip your way through the ice of other people's set ways. I would say (not knowing the local context at all) to keep trying with the locals, but also don't lose touch with the friends from "back home" that are important to you. I wish you the best of luck!
There's so much wisdom here! After we graduated, my closest friends ended up all over the United States. I try hard to keep up with everyone, but a spreadsheet never occurred to me even though I keep a monthly habit tracker. Brilliant!
Thank you, Kasey! Wisdom is a big word—I'd say it's just how I've learned to make things work so that I don't collapse into loneliness. I'm very happy if it helps others, though.
Loved this!!
Thank you!
A pleasure!
Excellent piece with great ideas. I love your photos.
Thanks so much, Maria! I'm glad you liked the photos. It sure was a pain getting all my friends' permission!
I have friends all over the place and have never struggled to make them. Maybe because I love my own company so don't stress about meeting people. Friends come and go depending on many things, moving being one, but my friends all say I'm good at keeping in touch. I send little postcards or messages or an emoji. But it's a two-way street so some have fallen away.
Here in Finland, the whole "chatting to someone in a shop" isn't really a thing, but I do bump into people I know more often now I've been here a while. I notice the lack of smiling when I get back from Australia or the UK though. Sometimes people can look a little intimidating here!
I am impressed with you, Lisa, for making friends in Finland, arguably one of the countries where it is said to be most difficult to do so. But hey, even if that doesn't work, you have all of the friendships you've made around the world—and it sounds like you're very good at keeping those alive. Well done you!
Loving the actionable approach, Gregory! Having lived in The Netherlands for a few years, I can confirm that those light-touch interactions you mention (ie., while during errands) are so easy to underestimate but so so valuable. 🙂
Thanks for the support, Michael! I'm glad you also get those social vitamins through everyday interactions in the Netherlands. I've never lived there, so I'm not familiar with that aspect of life there.
For sure! Mm, I was in a small town during the pandemic so it was difficult to meet people, which made said social vitamins all the more nourishing. 🙂
An absolutely hilarious, useful and profound piece of writing, Gregory. Thank you for making my sleepless night happy. And as I kept reading your text I could hear verses of an old song persistently playing in the back of my mind. I’m not sure if you ever listened to it, but it’s one from a Brazilian folk singer called Oswaldo Montenegro called ‘A lista’. I’d definitely declare it the soundtrack of your precious text. Here it is: https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=RpVlFOziTMA&si=bipkqrTCjrlpGDRQ
Thank you, Fernando! I guess I am trying _not_ to become that person Montenegro is singing about. Is it even possible? We'll see, I guess.
And I hope you'll sleep better soon! 🛌
Yes, you’ve written an antidote on how not to become the self Montenegro describes. By saying I’d declare that the soundtrack to your text I wasn’t really clear about it: it is ‘my’ soundtrack to it (after all it resonated nonstop inside my head while reading) for the sheer fact I’ve become that self.
Well we're talking now, aren't we!