"The fact that many Swedes also labeled Americans as “superficial” comes, I think, from a failure to understand the nature of friendliness. They say things like, “She was so nice to me, but she wasn’t really interested in being my friend!” Exactly. To be friendly is to grant someone the kind attention that we might bestow naturally on a friend, with no expectations or strings attached. This can be confusing to people who are not used to it."
This part of your piece really spoke to me, as a super-friendly American! My kids often ask me, "is that person your friend?' and I always tell them, well- maybe not yet but we'll see! The positive interactions I have had making small talk as an adult far outweigh the occasional odd look. Often people will say (not a humble brag) that I am the nicest person they have ever met. I just think that is because people are so used to having people be somewhat awful or dismissive that my (to me, standard operating) seems way out of the norm. I always take my party manners out of the house because you do not know how much a kind word can affect someone else's whole day. That ripple effect is powerful IMO. Great, thoughtful piece!
I like your attitude! It sounds like you are very good at making people feel comfortable and seen. But tell me, how does that interact with travel? Surely it doesn’t work the same way everywhere?
I make friends everywhere! 🤣 It could be because I travel extensively with my elderly mom and she is just a light filled being that everybody gravitates towards. Any family centric culture seems to just love a mom/daughter duo, but that's been our experience. It could be because we just have a general enthusiasm and are filled with gratitude to be wherever we are, treat others with high levels of respect and I think that translates in any language. ❤️
Hilarious, as always. By the way, Gregory, are you sure you don’t have any Brazilian blood? Good language learners tend to be exactly like that and love talking to strangers. Everywhere! I loved the funny picture at the barber shop and instantly fell in love with the pretty smiling gorgeous blonde woman 😊
Wow, how precious the information the pic at the barber shop was taken in Portugal (a MAGA barber shop indeed). I was pretty sure it was located somewhere in the USA.
Thanks, Fernando! I am fairly confident that I don't have any Brazilian blood. I like talking to strangers, but find it challenging. I'm glad you liked the barber shop picture (taken in Portugal, despite the bizarre American flag motif). And as for the gorgeous blonde, I know how you feel; I fell in love with her once, too—she is an ex of mine. And now a good friend.
I have found that there is a type of person, irrespective of country of origin, who reaches out simply out of curiosity and kindness. If a person senses that you are genuine, then there's trust and the trust allows for anything from a one-off conversation to a lifelong friendship.
This is so insightful: "What does it mean to be friendly? We could say that it means 'treating someone like a friend, even though they are not'. To be friendly is to make a stranger feel like a friend."
This piece is so good. Made me laugh and remember. As you may know, I'm the kind of people who talk to strangers. Even on the internet. Even to say something that may sound quite silly.
Two of my best friends to this day I met by coming up to them and engaging in conversation. This was not typical at the time: I was quite a shy teenager and as I had just come back to Brazil after five years in Geneva, Switzerland, I wasn't too sure of the codes. It worked fine, though. :-) We're still here, to quote the Brazilian movie nominated for the Oscars (have you seen it? so good).
But one quality I'm quite proud of is this ability (that my father also had, I probably learned from him) to introduce people and start new friendships between friends of mine.
p.s. inspired by this piece, I was waiting to cross the street the other day and I saw someone who didn't know me, but I knew who he was. Sure enough, I turned to him and said "You're Celina's brother-in-law, aren't you?". He answered affirmatively, I told him I was a friend of Celina's and used to work with her when his daughter was born, her first niece and she was so excited about it and had pictures of her niece all around in the office. I learned that Celina's niece Maíra is now doing a PhD. in history.
And the light turned green.
It was a nice chat. And I have you to thank for it. :-)
Renata, you just made my day! ❤️ It's one thing to know that other people like the things I write (and no small thing at that), but it's something else to hear that someone was inspired to do something by something I wrote. I'm very pleased that you had that interaction. I hope it felt like a little upward knock.
And yes, I agree that introducing people to each other is a very valuable skill. I have known you had this skill ever since you tried to set me up with your cousin Elizabeth! 😁
.... who is married, btw, but we never know... :-D
and also with my good friend Claudia who is into biodanza and lives in Lisbon. she is a former economist (as I am) who turned into a psychologist and storyteller (? "contadora de histórias" is what I mean). a great person, so fun to be with. almost Portuguese by now, as she's been living there for more than 20 years.
I loved this article. Talking to strangers has also been a personal challenge for me as I started my Substack adventure. Sometimes I have to psych myself up a little before diving in, but has always been worthwhile.
This reminds me of the time I was in rural Malaysia taking a boat ride to god knows where (I literally just hopped in hoping to randomly pick my next place to stay). Needless to say, I got scared, the driver saw my face and asked me where I was headed to. When I couldn't answer, he didn't judge, and his family was so kind to me. I ended up staying on the boat overnight and played cards with other boat drivers.
I was also quite shy as a child. And as an adult too! I probably didn’t get good at talking to new people until I was in my forties. I think the switch happened when I became more interested in other people than in myself. (Self-consciousness can be such a hindrance to communication.)
Now I find other people’s lives endlessly fascinating, and I am a good listener. Funny, if I had known listening was the key to conversation, I could have spared myself some of the painful shyness of my younger years.
I love your mantra of “tiny victories.” I told my husband about this; we agree that tiny victories are what keep us going these days. He recently announced to me that he was going to “smile at strangers” more. He is a former social worker who spent his career working with victims and perpetrators of abuse, and developed a cynically dark view of humanity.
Now we travel full-time, and the only people we talk to, besides each other, are strangers. I have seen his cynicism soften because of this. It’s a kind of healing. The only thing that really changes our outlook on how “good” or “bad” the world is, is personal interaction, one person at a time.
Love this topic, and thanks so much for mentioning my essay.
Tina, you say so many true things here. Yes: shyness and self-confidence are such a hindrance, and the answer is to learn to listen—to be other-focused. And tiny victories must be the way to go when you have an itinerant lifestyle, in which things are always changing. I imagine that being perpetually surrounded by strangers is an incredible challenge. Here's to finding goodness in them!
I am a talker to strangers by nature and by trade (journalism). My dad died 15 years ago last month. My young daughter and I were on the sky tram in Palm Springs, carrying some of his ashes to toss from the mountaintop. Now he was the real chatter upper in the family. Anyway, a woman with a child of similar age and I got to talking on the ride, she asked if she could come along, I said my dad would love that and ... she and I got foot massages and drinks last night. She's one of my best friends.
Lynda, that is a lovely—and slightly weird—story. 😁 It seems a nice homage to your chatty father that his ashes brought a new friend into your life. I'm happy to hear it.
I love this! I can do better. My husband will talk to anybody, in almost any situation. He has a friendly open countenance, which I do not. I try, and I'll try some more. Sometimes a language barrier or a cultural expectation cause his efforts to fall flat. I'm embarrassed and find myself excusing him. Why? The confused or bothered person usually does nothing more than walk away.
Thanks, Susan. I understand your reticence to talk. Maybe if you could see your husband's behavior more as a model than as an embarrassment, it could help you to emulate him? I have been in that position myself, where I was forced to admit that my natural inclination is not necessarily the most adaptive one.
I heart this post so much. Some of the absolute best experiences of the past eight years have happened because I've started to talking to strangers in Budapest, Macedonia, and Sydney. And while there are MANY things I am not fond of about Americans, I absolutely love our friendliness and have always rejected the shallowness accusation.
Thank you, Michael! As someone who has benefitted from your friendliness and kindness, I completely agree. I tend to think that Americans are generally not shallow—I find that I can have a deep conversation with an American I just met in a way that is much more difficult with people from other cultures. Maybe that's because I'm also an American, or maybe it's because we know how to stay on the surface when it's necessary and dive deep when it's possible.
I think as expats/migrants, we have a healthy dose of curiosity and courage. We need to observe the customs of the culture we're in and just... start imitating what locals do. I also live in a highly sociable culture, Spain, and the spontaneous social interaction that takes place here is one of the most praised factors for a high quality of life.
I really liked your mention of how "you start communicating with your face before you use your voice." A great one to keep in mind!
Thank you, Monica! I agree that we need both curiosity and courage. And to pay attention to how things are done where you are! One of the things I love the most about Spain is the way people interact with each other in an unguarded way. There is so much life lived in the street every day!
I love this. It reminded me of the notion of creating "loose ties" with others. Research shows that those encounters with the fruit vendor or the olive guy or the gardien of your building have a significant impact on mental health and a sense of belonging. Knowing that has helped me so much to stop fretting about not making many close friends since moving to France.
Thank you, Theresa! And yes, that's exactly right—those loose ties are very important, aren't they? If you haven't read it, you might check out my post called "How Not to Lose Your Friends When You Move"; it deals with some of the same issues.
My husband is the extrovert. I'm the opposite. So one day a couple of years ago while we were sitting at an outdoor table at a mercado in Portugal, my husband noticed another couple speaking English at another table. The man looked similar to my husband: gray hair, white mustache and similar eyeglasses. Much to my introverted self consiousness/dismay, my husband walked over to the couple and said to the man, "I like your look". The man realized that indeed he looked a lot like my husband. Long story short, we are all now great friends. And the guys call each other "brother". Sometimes it just takes a leap of faith...
That is a charming story, Carol! The funny thing is, I can identify with your dismay, but I can also imagine myself doing what your husband did (as a sort of challenge to myself). I'm so glad to hear it had such a positive effect. One more point for the talking-to-strangers team!
"The fact that many Swedes also labeled Americans as “superficial” comes, I think, from a failure to understand the nature of friendliness. They say things like, “She was so nice to me, but she wasn’t really interested in being my friend!” Exactly. To be friendly is to grant someone the kind attention that we might bestow naturally on a friend, with no expectations or strings attached. This can be confusing to people who are not used to it."
This part of your piece really spoke to me, as a super-friendly American! My kids often ask me, "is that person your friend?' and I always tell them, well- maybe not yet but we'll see! The positive interactions I have had making small talk as an adult far outweigh the occasional odd look. Often people will say (not a humble brag) that I am the nicest person they have ever met. I just think that is because people are so used to having people be somewhat awful or dismissive that my (to me, standard operating) seems way out of the norm. I always take my party manners out of the house because you do not know how much a kind word can affect someone else's whole day. That ripple effect is powerful IMO. Great, thoughtful piece!
I like your attitude! It sounds like you are very good at making people feel comfortable and seen. But tell me, how does that interact with travel? Surely it doesn’t work the same way everywhere?
I make friends everywhere! 🤣 It could be because I travel extensively with my elderly mom and she is just a light filled being that everybody gravitates towards. Any family centric culture seems to just love a mom/daughter duo, but that's been our experience. It could be because we just have a general enthusiasm and are filled with gratitude to be wherever we are, treat others with high levels of respect and I think that translates in any language. ❤️
Sounds like you have discovered the magic formula!
Hilarious, as always. By the way, Gregory, are you sure you don’t have any Brazilian blood? Good language learners tend to be exactly like that and love talking to strangers. Everywhere! I loved the funny picture at the barber shop and instantly fell in love with the pretty smiling gorgeous blonde woman 😊
Wow, how precious the information the pic at the barber shop was taken in Portugal (a MAGA barber shop indeed). I was pretty sure it was located somewhere in the USA.
Thanks, Fernando! I am fairly confident that I don't have any Brazilian blood. I like talking to strangers, but find it challenging. I'm glad you liked the barber shop picture (taken in Portugal, despite the bizarre American flag motif). And as for the gorgeous blonde, I know how you feel; I fell in love with her once, too—she is an ex of mine. And now a good friend.
Great advice!
I have found that there is a type of person, irrespective of country of origin, who reaches out simply out of curiosity and kindness. If a person senses that you are genuine, then there's trust and the trust allows for anything from a one-off conversation to a lifelong friendship.
Exactly, Betsy! Some people are genuine, and that goes an awfully long way towards establishing a trusting relationship. Well put.
This is so insightful: "What does it mean to be friendly? We could say that it means 'treating someone like a friend, even though they are not'. To be friendly is to make a stranger feel like a friend."
Thank you, Mike! Now we need to figure out the formula for making a friend feel like a stranger. 😁
I'm an introvert, but a gregarious introvert. I even talk to strangers in New York City.
But I really am an introvert.
"Gregarious introvert" seems like a fascinating oxymoron to me. 😊
This piece is so good. Made me laugh and remember. As you may know, I'm the kind of people who talk to strangers. Even on the internet. Even to say something that may sound quite silly.
Two of my best friends to this day I met by coming up to them and engaging in conversation. This was not typical at the time: I was quite a shy teenager and as I had just come back to Brazil after five years in Geneva, Switzerland, I wasn't too sure of the codes. It worked fine, though. :-) We're still here, to quote the Brazilian movie nominated for the Oscars (have you seen it? so good).
But one quality I'm quite proud of is this ability (that my father also had, I probably learned from him) to introduce people and start new friendships between friends of mine.
p.s. inspired by this piece, I was waiting to cross the street the other day and I saw someone who didn't know me, but I knew who he was. Sure enough, I turned to him and said "You're Celina's brother-in-law, aren't you?". He answered affirmatively, I told him I was a friend of Celina's and used to work with her when his daughter was born, her first niece and she was so excited about it and had pictures of her niece all around in the office. I learned that Celina's niece Maíra is now doing a PhD. in history.
And the light turned green.
It was a nice chat. And I have you to thank for it. :-)
Renata, you just made my day! ❤️ It's one thing to know that other people like the things I write (and no small thing at that), but it's something else to hear that someone was inspired to do something by something I wrote. I'm very pleased that you had that interaction. I hope it felt like a little upward knock.
And yes, I agree that introducing people to each other is a very valuable skill. I have known you had this skill ever since you tried to set me up with your cousin Elizabeth! 😁
.... who is married, btw, but we never know... :-D
and also with my good friend Claudia who is into biodanza and lives in Lisbon. she is a former economist (as I am) who turned into a psychologist and storyteller (? "contadora de histórias" is what I mean). a great person, so fun to be with. almost Portuguese by now, as she's been living there for more than 20 years.
Sounds like your friend is a cool person, Renata! (And you too. 😉)
I loved this article. Talking to strangers has also been a personal challenge for me as I started my Substack adventure. Sometimes I have to psych myself up a little before diving in, but has always been worthwhile.
Betty, I'm so glad you liked this piece. And good for you for psyching yourself up; I agree that it's worth it.
This reminds me of the time I was in rural Malaysia taking a boat ride to god knows where (I literally just hopped in hoping to randomly pick my next place to stay). Needless to say, I got scared, the driver saw my face and asked me where I was headed to. When I couldn't answer, he didn't judge, and his family was so kind to me. I ended up staying on the boat overnight and played cards with other boat drivers.
Sarah, I admire your bravery, hopping onto a random boat in Malaysia! I would also be scared. What a cool experience that must have been in the end!
haha…looking back I’m surprised and somewhat horrified at how impulsive I was.
Well, I’m glad you lived to tell the tale, Sarah!
Finland hears you. We are trying to be more open to talking to strangers 🤩🤩
Thanks, Carina! You've made a good start right here by commenting. Many wouldn't. 😁
I was also quite shy as a child. And as an adult too! I probably didn’t get good at talking to new people until I was in my forties. I think the switch happened when I became more interested in other people than in myself. (Self-consciousness can be such a hindrance to communication.)
Now I find other people’s lives endlessly fascinating, and I am a good listener. Funny, if I had known listening was the key to conversation, I could have spared myself some of the painful shyness of my younger years.
I love your mantra of “tiny victories.” I told my husband about this; we agree that tiny victories are what keep us going these days. He recently announced to me that he was going to “smile at strangers” more. He is a former social worker who spent his career working with victims and perpetrators of abuse, and developed a cynically dark view of humanity.
Now we travel full-time, and the only people we talk to, besides each other, are strangers. I have seen his cynicism soften because of this. It’s a kind of healing. The only thing that really changes our outlook on how “good” or “bad” the world is, is personal interaction, one person at a time.
Love this topic, and thanks so much for mentioning my essay.
Tina, you say so many true things here. Yes: shyness and self-confidence are such a hindrance, and the answer is to learn to listen—to be other-focused. And tiny victories must be the way to go when you have an itinerant lifestyle, in which things are always changing. I imagine that being perpetually surrounded by strangers is an incredible challenge. Here's to finding goodness in them!
I am a talker to strangers by nature and by trade (journalism). My dad died 15 years ago last month. My young daughter and I were on the sky tram in Palm Springs, carrying some of his ashes to toss from the mountaintop. Now he was the real chatter upper in the family. Anyway, a woman with a child of similar age and I got to talking on the ride, she asked if she could come along, I said my dad would love that and ... she and I got foot massages and drinks last night. She's one of my best friends.
Lynda, that is a lovely—and slightly weird—story. 😁 It seems a nice homage to your chatty father that his ashes brought a new friend into your life. I'm happy to hear it.
I love this! I can do better. My husband will talk to anybody, in almost any situation. He has a friendly open countenance, which I do not. I try, and I'll try some more. Sometimes a language barrier or a cultural expectation cause his efforts to fall flat. I'm embarrassed and find myself excusing him. Why? The confused or bothered person usually does nothing more than walk away.
Thanks, Susan. I understand your reticence to talk. Maybe if you could see your husband's behavior more as a model than as an embarrassment, it could help you to emulate him? I have been in that position myself, where I was forced to admit that my natural inclination is not necessarily the most adaptive one.
I heart this post so much. Some of the absolute best experiences of the past eight years have happened because I've started to talking to strangers in Budapest, Macedonia, and Sydney. And while there are MANY things I am not fond of about Americans, I absolutely love our friendliness and have always rejected the shallowness accusation.
Thank you, Michael! As someone who has benefitted from your friendliness and kindness, I completely agree. I tend to think that Americans are generally not shallow—I find that I can have a deep conversation with an American I just met in a way that is much more difficult with people from other cultures. Maybe that's because I'm also an American, or maybe it's because we know how to stay on the surface when it's necessary and dive deep when it's possible.
Nice ending of the article! 😊
I think as expats/migrants, we have a healthy dose of curiosity and courage. We need to observe the customs of the culture we're in and just... start imitating what locals do. I also live in a highly sociable culture, Spain, and the spontaneous social interaction that takes place here is one of the most praised factors for a high quality of life.
I really liked your mention of how "you start communicating with your face before you use your voice." A great one to keep in mind!
Thank you, Monica! I agree that we need both curiosity and courage. And to pay attention to how things are done where you are! One of the things I love the most about Spain is the way people interact with each other in an unguarded way. There is so much life lived in the street every day!
It's true, the Spanish social lifestyle is such a positive aspect of living here! I guess very similar to the Portuguese one.
I love this. It reminded me of the notion of creating "loose ties" with others. Research shows that those encounters with the fruit vendor or the olive guy or the gardien of your building have a significant impact on mental health and a sense of belonging. Knowing that has helped me so much to stop fretting about not making many close friends since moving to France.
Thank you, Theresa! And yes, that's exactly right—those loose ties are very important, aren't they? If you haven't read it, you might check out my post called "How Not to Lose Your Friends When You Move"; it deals with some of the same issues.
My husband is the extrovert. I'm the opposite. So one day a couple of years ago while we were sitting at an outdoor table at a mercado in Portugal, my husband noticed another couple speaking English at another table. The man looked similar to my husband: gray hair, white mustache and similar eyeglasses. Much to my introverted self consiousness/dismay, my husband walked over to the couple and said to the man, "I like your look". The man realized that indeed he looked a lot like my husband. Long story short, we are all now great friends. And the guys call each other "brother". Sometimes it just takes a leap of faith...
That is a charming story, Carol! The funny thing is, I can identify with your dismay, but I can also imagine myself doing what your husband did (as a sort of challenge to myself). I'm so glad to hear it had such a positive effect. One more point for the talking-to-strangers team!